BIGGEST SPOT IN THE WORLD

It is always the case that when something important is coming up.... or just ANY TIME AT ALL you get a spot.... but MY SPOT is the biggest i have EVER SEEN!!!

It is currently taking up half of my chin, and i find it ridiculous that at 23 i still get spots.... i mean not as many as when i was 16... but whenever i ride the crimson wave UP THEY COME its like they are saying.... how can i make your day worse oh yeah I'LL PUT A GROWTH FULL OF PUSS ON YOUR FACE!

Evil.... evil is what it is!

LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY

 And to make things worse....

GUESS WHO WALKED INTO MY OFFICE TODAY!!

The one the only queen of drama and patron saint of sexy..... SUSAN SARRANDON

I have NEVER been more star struck.... couldn't even continue with my day (which consists of answering phones) not difficult!! And there's me spotty McGee... not sexy.... also DID NOT think about my outfit enough.... i look fat... as Gok Wan always said.... don't wear horizontal stripes they shorten you!

mmmmmmm gunna be singing toucha toucha toucha touch me all day now.... am i right in thinking Susie S was in Rocky Horror show right? RIGHT?

Golly gosh hope she was.... otherwise i reallllly embarressed my self earlier!

Tonight.... for all the New Yorkers out there is THE ROCKEFELLER CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING!!

And i am going.... with my $2 to hopefully find some hot apple cider.... and see celebrities.... MORE CELEBRITIES!!

New York truly is home of celebrities before coming here the only person i had ever seen was Vanessa Feltz.... after i had just got rejected from Royal College of Music.... truly perked me up!

Thanksgiving et al.

To those who do not know what the RUDDY HELL Thanksgiving is.... ALLOW ME TO ENLIGHTEN YOU!!

Thanksgiving to me.... meant 4 days off work!! So you can't really get better than that.... but other than that this day means many things to many people (namely Americans)

Thanksgiving is also - Turkey day.... a day to eat Turkey (but don't fear 2 turkey's are pardoned each year by the Obama King himself at the Whitehouse) SO THEY DON'T ALL CLUCK THEIR LAST BREATH!

Thanksgiving is also about.... being THANKFUL in actual fact whilst you eat your poor defenseless dead bird you are supposed to go around the table and have a supreme kodak moment with strangers/family & friends!

I spent my thanksgiving with about 15 strangers (all of which were couples GAG) and 1 friend... and due to the fact only had 1 friend there I was simply too shy to go back for 3rds... WHICH I SO WANTED as at the moment cannot afford food.... so am probably the only person in America to loose weight over this FEASTACIOUS holiday

HOWEVER what i did have was about 12 cans of four loco & 2 litres of Vodka.... you know the rest

After my four loco haze i decided... i was horny.... but instead of actually approaching any men, i would simply go up to people I BARELY KNEW tell them i fancied their male friends and hope they would steer them in my direction... in all words... I DIDNT GET ANY!!

However the one & only SCHWABBY i.e hunky bearded chubby goodness i so love & bat my eyelashes at BEST FRIEND now knows i like him & has PROMISED to get us together by christmas... if all else fails will simply get him drunk on Kahlua at the Christmas party & rape his face .... jeez if he EVER reads this blog i will never live it down!

But yeah.... THANKSGIVING

Overall i give a big thumbs up to this AUDACIOUS ....STUPENDOUS..... BOUNTIFUL FEAST of a Holiday! And will definitely be taking it back with me to the UK baybay!

Hope you all had a delicious Thanksgiving!

All KINDS of Bad Stuff...

So....

WHERE TO BEGIN?

1 - I was NOT asked to be in the photoshoot.... even though EVERYOTHER FEMALE IN THE OFFICE WAS! (bad bad inferiority complex emerging)

2 - Made COLOSSAL mistake and checked Facebook to find that BOTH ex's are happily engaged in long term relationships.... one with the girl he cheated on me with..... (Further added to feeling shite)

3 - Was 'seduced my messaging medium' and spoke a little 'too freely' to said crush at work.... (ended in awkward looks as if to say 'I don't get where the hell this is coming from and am a little scared of you now')

4 - Drank with the 'boys' in work (although not welcomed just pushed my way through) to the 'thanksgiving punch' people were enjoying.... i just knocked the bloody stuff back.... then returned home after work pissed out of my mind at 7 pm and went straight to sleep missing out on what my friends were to describe as 'a great Friday night out'

The week was also chocabloc with bad news from Home, wasting money on dresses i'll never wear and getting through the entire 4 seasons of Mad Men in 1 week.... I AM TERRIFIED

I am TERRIFIED that i am becoming my worst nightmare!!! It has gotten to the point whereby i would rather stay in and watch TV shows than go out and party... this is ILLEGAL at my age... 22 twentyfriggintwo..... and i'm in bed usually by 10.30.... the time my GRANDMA.... YES GRANDMA goes to bed!! Dispicable! I feel like I am slowly disapearing into Oblivion and soon people will say....

Whatever happened to that girl..... oh ya know the one..... ummmm.... medium height..... red hair...... chubby...... was really loud.......

Oh i'll tell you what happened....

SHE DIED OF INSIGNIFICANCE!!

Ummmmmm maybe getting ever so slightly overdramatic.... and i'm afraid this is one of those posts with no real meaning.... OH EXCEPT

2 Words

Four Loco...

Four Loco is a drink now BANNED in the USA!! And guess what, due to that fact, a 'friend' lets call him.... ' Diablo' suggested we go to the cash & carry & buy 60 cans of the stuff so that we can experience the delights of this insane carnage inducing drink.... as i have yet to truly sample this palpatation inducing beverage i''l leave you with this...

Stay Tuned!

Unwise Move

So tomorrow there is a PHOTO SHOOT at work, and being the insanely self obsessed person i am i cannot hope... WISH that some director man will rush up to me and utter the words...

'darling,,, those cheekbones.....that coloring..... IT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED FOR OUR NEW CAMPAIGN'

Now i realise it is HIGHLY unlikely, especially seeing as i am a rumpus size 16 with Jowells instead of some supreme cheesy gap ad model who smiles too much... but YA NEVER KNOW!? So after work i decided that my face needed to be reinvented and so headed to Sephora, to blast my last $100 (which was suppose to last me the rest of week, but as i am converting to model behaviour is probably best i cannot buy food) so in Sephora i went, and was sure that the best, and most supreme way of buying the most affordable & functional items was to ask a sales assistant... now i used to BE one so i really should have known better as this... was a BIG mistake...

Phrases such as;

'Someone with as many flaws as you'
&
'To disguise your double chin'

Kept coming up so i immediately felt unattractive and fat and the entire train trip home, I was trying to hide under my scarf as i was afraid my face was deteriorating due to sun damage.... seemingly by not using a foundation with SPF i have ruined my skin.... FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

So I am now sat at home, pretentiously studying my pores looking for 'sun spots' which i needed to buy a $40 cream for to begin to help 'recycle what's left of renewable skin cells'... Since WHEN did MAKE UP ASSISTANTS become DOCTORS WITH PHD'S? Who know words such as....

Malignant

&
Peptapeptydes (i am SURE this is made up)

And on top of this i felt so down could not face the horror that is the gym, as half the people on my bloody course go there, and are the kind of people who have.... stomach muscles... and can walk up a flight of stairs without getting huffy puffy... so instead i stayed in watched desperate housewives and ate 2 bowls of pasta, which is especially bad as diet was supposed to start today and the gyn cost me $80 and i still haven't been....ONCE... i also had about onehundredgazillion peanut M&M's as pesky new runner aka Tyra banks kept coming over with bowls full of them whilst showing off her bambi thighs....

Honestly the day has just been HORRIFIC for self esteem... even a homeless man the other night whilst i walked home drunk, offering him my pizza said,

'cor love you look rough'

Dark day... very dark day...

 But am sure tomorrow will be fantastic and will be discovered as the next Sophie Dahl circa 1991!

I really should go & clean the bathroom.... it is starting to grow mould, and no-one will shower in there except me until i have cleaned it.... have promised to clean it for weeks, and housemates are starting to get annoyed... I can tell by frowns and grimaces every time they walk past said bathroom..... ugh..... DONT WANT TO CLEAN HORRID BATHROOM! I think i will go have a nice cigarette and calm down.... can't clean when i'm all stressed like this...

Happy Monday everyone!

Sexual Politicai....

I am not sure, if when you fancy someone... they can pick up on it, i can NEVER pick up on if someone fancies me... mainly because people rarely do due the my god damn rhino thighs! HOWEVER when I fancy someone whenever they are close... my heart goes a flutter.... i get all tingly.... smile all the time at them and then run & hide whenever they do dain to talk to me... oh. and I BLUSH!!

Now unfortunately I have completely  given up on the idea of 

1 - Meeting anyone at work (they are all far too good looking)

Or

2 - Meeting an American .... this has come as a BIG disappointment, but the only ones who even seem interested are either cross eyed... or ... dull!

But anywho i'm going off the subject! YES! Sexual Politics... my interpretation of this is of course the awkwardness which comes from being in close proximity to someone of the opposite sex... i am sure this is wrong but recently i have been having some AWKWARD experiences!

Ok...so 1! I went on a little trip to Boston... it was DEElightful by the way! But there was... a MAN! YES i hear you gasp, and i just felt a little.... warm towards him if ya get my drift, now the sexual politics comes into play when, men who have girlfriends flirt... WHY DO THEY DO THIS? Its like false advertising, but then if they do actually take it further, its FRAUD! And as we all know... you can go to jail for fraud... Now I would never hurt a fellow sister by doing ANYTHING with her man... but in this case i was tempted... so what is the right answer, do you just ignore the possibilities/ tell him off for being a bad boy or just go for it & think about the ramifications later...

This problem is not really a problem as i'll tell you what i did... NOTHING! As per usual i took the cowards way out and gave up after a long lustful look... typical! There were moments however when i wanted to scream, IN THE NAME OF GOD AND ALL HIS CHERUBIN MOUNT ME!

At this moment i really should be working... or at least doing my project for class... but i'm not... i'm writing my blog,

I did SUCH  an exciting thing at work today... A VOICEOVER!! For a real live commercial! I have never felt so honored, except that i messed it up, i was so nervous about being in front of so many Americans i decided to throw my entire self/accent and entire British history to the wind, and started doing some strange yankee slang, the whole point of them asking me was because i had a British accent... so i doubt they'll ask me again! Bugger! OH THE MONEY I COULD HAVE MADE!!

I do know a way however to overcome sexual politics, just stick with the gays!

Being the New Girl

Having been the new girl for almost 2 months now... i THINK i am transitioning into a genuine person here, proof of this is demonstrated by my actual name coming up every now & again, and actually being invited out with other colleagues, rarely, but ATLEAST ITS HAPPENING!  However, no sooner have i become truly transitioned into working life, than a new girl... has irrecoverably popped up!

This has made me question my whole new girl experience, as i thought that EVERYONE was phased & ignored here in their 1st few months... but OH NO, not so my friends! Whilst I was being pushed aside, ignored at lunch times & phased, with 'questionable' pranks, THIS new girl... who looks more like Tyra Banks than me... Tyra.... the....ELEPHANT! Has been showered with attention, with what they have playfully named, 'grillings', oh.... how fun....

In my darkest of hours i have found my self looking at this girl... WHO IS LOVELY BY THE WAY and wishing under my breath....' gain 20 lbs.... gain 20lbs.... HAVE SOME PEANUT M&M'S I say... frequently! As by god, they've done me no favors!

I still remember my first day... it was horrible, the whole staff were so distraught at losing the previous girl they kept looking at me like i was the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! One of the guys even had the AUDACITY to come up to me and say....'you....you'll never replace her' ... no idea if i'm repeating myself here, but TRUE STORY! But no matter where you work, being new is NEVER easy, i found myself crying in the toilets for the 1st time since secondary school here, due to dreaded... duh...duh....duuuuuuuuh PETTY CASH!!

Two words, I have found can instantly restore my faith, especially when I feel like the fat, smelly receptionist... those words are,,,, as you wait with baited breath...

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

Having become a recent mad men fan, i know that there is OH SO MUCH POWER in a big beautiful ass!!

To demonstrate... here's a picture;

ISN'T SHE THE BEST?

So whenever you find yourself feeling like your tum tum is too big, or ass to voluptuous... say to yourself.... 'Christina Hendricks.....Christina Hendricks....'

Where's the Beef?

All i could hear in my head yesterday was a combination of 'Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' and 'Hazaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah' as in a word. work. went. APE SHIT! But on the other hand... I HAVE MONEY! Oh money the deliciousness of knowing your mine!
The day didn't start well, when wondering in 10 minutes late (it could happen to anyone) i was met with disasterous sounds of people without coffee... oh i can't truly express the EXQUISITE JOY of being an intern... Have to organise this bloody business trip & I am met with trouble at EVERY TURN! Bloody events organisation... poo poo tuh roo i say!

My plan to do something everyday... is going well! Though not exactly what i planned!

Monday I went to a leaving do at work and was granted 3 Gin & tonics, a Burger & Tater Tots... these are basically deep fried miniature Hash Browns.... delicious but i could literally feel the fat start to load onto my thighs when i took a second batch load.... man i can eat!(diet NOT going well)

Tuesday my age old step-dad came to visit me GOD BLESS HIM!! And oh the treats he granted me... took me to a swanky bar... again with the gin & tonics eyeeeeesch! Then whilst sat at the bar he puts an impromptu $400 into my pocket.... i swear i have never had so many people look at me as if i were a Hooker... all i wanted to do was scream.... HE'S MY DAD!! But i figure people would just think i was doing some weird kinky stint... so i just sat there stroking my $400 like it were the Holy Grail about to grant me eternal youth, WHICH IT IS!!! THEN WE HAD DINNER and oh my! I had smoked salmon as a starter with some little 'bellini' thing... bloody stupid other language menu... and Duck A La Melougetetotototo... oh i dunno what it was... but it was YUMMY!!!! No dessert of course... as am on diet!

Tonight i have class... OH WORRIES ME! & have not done ANYTHING  i said i would do for my little project... although, maybe if i hit up Lush (the company said project is on) i will be forgiven... give em some freebies... maybe?

Tomorrow i still plan to go ze opera darlink.... have the money now... HERE'S HOPING! I'm spending it like there's no tomorrow... its not good... WILL I NEVER LEARN!! Ontop of that due to the stress, i've been scoffing all day... peanut M&M's... cheese puffs.... satay sticks... dumplings... oh my god, it has been good though, i may be as big as a house but it was JUST SO DELICIOUS!

Thankfully not toooooo many disasters this week.... Going to Boston on Friday....ROLL ON HARVARD BOYS I SAY!!

Hope you are all very very very well!