Popularity...... the word alone strikes FEAR into my heart, since about 3 years old I have held the meaning of that word up for negotiation...and recently it has been playing on my mind...
What IS this popularity thing which makes me question everything about my self; whether or not I should be texting people or they should be texting me, is staying in alone with my laptop and a tub of haagen daaz a signifier of loneliness or laziness.....
Through the years popularity has been enforced as the person most popular in school, has lots of friends, is invited to countless parties and is wildly attracted and pursued the most by the opposite sex...
How has this related to me i hear you gasp in reverie.....well.....not....... a lot;
I started my run for popular in primary school whereby i would do the 'hands behind your back someones feeling me up pose' whilst singing 'in the jungle' at the top of my voice, encouraging many of the students to watch in horror/fascination/laughter etc etc to provoke my notoriety as a trait of pure bravery.....this however led to some all be it deserved teasing and slight alienation from most of the normal kids in school...
Not until what I can safely describe as my best friend came along....
Towards the most difficult years of school (the 2 years in primary school before you go to middle school), a girl arrived completely dusted with coolness, as she not only was the new tallest girl in school but loved football, came from a foreign land of spices and golden beaches, and was utterly confident in everyway. By some miracle this girl came to take me under her wing and invited me into a world I hadn't been before, just through sharing laughter and my extra packed of smokey bacon crisps (i used to try buy peoples love with condiments...still hasn't changed), she did and has from now on, taken me into her circles and helped me be the loud, alcoholic nerd I am today.
This continued through secondary school and although in the early years experienced a little bullying problem, (one would be the 1st girl in school to start her period and sprout enormous breasts).... but it all worked out in the end, and by the end of secondary school I had an award (in the yearbook don't tcha know) as the funniest girl in school, honestly, probably my PROUDEST MOMENT!! (even though i am aware no1 actually votes for these things and i did bribe the head boy at the time....)I left secondary school happy, confident, and semi -secure onto a gap year, which ended up just being a big old waste of time....as they almost always are.....
Then came university, and I was immediately swept up into a dizzying world of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, University was when i truly discovered the depths of my party girl nature, clubbing 5 times a week, missing lectures and having hangover lunches way out of my price league.... i wouldn't say i was popular in university by any means but i had no enemy's which was a delightful change from school.... grrrrrrr I'll never forget that fight in the schoolyard with Rachel Whatserface......we just kept kicking eachother....it was weird....
Now i'm living in New York, (what's she complaining about I hear the 2 people who read this mutter) but SERIOUSLY its worse than primary school.... I seem to find myself constantly putting myself out there, pathetically screaming 'LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO' over a crowd of over confident individuals who actually have real credentials and great chat to back up their 'great & interesting' personalities.... I more often than not retreat to my shared room praying no-one comes in to find me gorging on a pack of dairy milk my mum sent me in a care package...
The truth is i still SO want to be popular but lack that care free attitude i used to exude as a child....now there is too much at stake, how can i embarrass myself when a potential shag might be in the room.... or say the wrong thing which could be seen as racist/sexist/ageist/xenophobic or worse.... unintelligent....
As i see old friends making new friends and my new friends making more friends I wonder.... Does everyone feel the same?
