Ok, So i'm gunna tell you this FIRST... before i write ANYTHING ELSE! As I am on a massive rant!
I am on a diet.... and not just one of those, 'oh i'm just eating healthier and cutting out naughty things darling'... no. The SERIOUS KIND!! The kind which has you looking at the leftovers people have kindly spared at the bottom of the bowl.... the kind that has you having knightmares of a big bread roll running after you into the sunset..... the kind that means you would happily eat a RAW HORSE'S LEG!! (which i dont condone)
In other words,
I'm fucking hungry.
Not just hungry.... but RAVENOUS!! All the time, food has taken over my life, and not in the usual way (whereby i eat everything and anything i want) but in a different way, a way in which I am thinking about what i can't have and how little calories i can survive on.... ALSO have to go to the friggin gym, something I have only done, once or twice in my life, and let me tell you THIS, its HARD! Have new found respect for healthy people, always thought that exercise was something people simply 'did' much like.... knitting or.... making their own bread... turns out.... this exercise malarkey is tough, and not just on your vagina after you've been on a bike for 40 minutes but on your entire body, literally had places hurt i didn't know i had...
Probably spent about 8 minutes on a cross trainer before jumping off in convulsions, with my old sport teachers words running through my head, 'in through your nose, out through your mouth, in through your nose out through your mouth'... (air that is not vomit). Then trundled on over to the rowing machine as a friend of mine swears by it, it seems that everyone else, after a week of starving themselves and finding a 'blardy fantastic sport' loses 5 stone, gets a boyfriend and wins the lottery.... not me my friends... oh no....
After 3 days and i'll admit 1 shamefull gym session i still am in possesion of the most charming beer belly, thunder thighs, and bingo wings.... oh its just DEE-FRIGGIN-LIGHTFUL!
The lighter life.... is not making me lighter, and all i want to do is crawl into bed with a tub of haagen daaz cry into my pillow and wish that i'll wake up with Jake Gyllenhaal beside me and Anne Hathaways face stitched on....
ANYWHO!!! In other news.... nothing terribly exciting, love of life aka work colleague who may actually know now that i love him, is not talking, nor is he sitting, breathing or even throwing things in my direction, apart from the odd barked request.. and guess what VALENTINES DAY is coming... YIPDEFRIGGINLLUYAH!! Can only hope it will be better than last year, whereby i was dumped, AGAIN by the same bugger who left me for a haughty toff with spider legs.... Ah life is indeed the gift that keeps giving. If you can't tell by the way, i'm having a truly SHITEOUS day!
Began with a 6am call from my mother telling me she had discovered my overdraft.... (which had up until now not existed between us) and continues to tell me how angry/distraught/temporarily homicidal she was feeling about it.... so all day i have been literally pissing my pants waiting for the 2nd phone call discovering OH WAIT YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD TOO? WHYYYYYEEEEE?
Continues on to basic work crap, owing money and SEVERE period pain, (sorry to the 2 men who may actually read this) but as my dear friend sven always tells me.... 'only women bleed'.
Have made catastrophic mistake of actually telling friends I am on this diet, which by the way i am doing because my parents have offered me a trip to Miami, and as we all know, women in Miami DO NOT have flabby bestretch marked stomachs, or thighs that look like cottage cheese, so have 6 weeks... 6 WEEKS to become Aphrodite... oh god... its so not gunna happen is it? I may as well GIVE UP NOW... just want.. nigh, NEED to decrease circumference of thighs by merely 5 inches.... IT CAN BE DONE.... well according to my friends in can, who were all a little to happy to hear i was going on a diet, its almost like they all simultaneously did a big ole sigh of relief, in fact EVERYONE has been a little too supportive, one such person actually snatched a peppermint patty out of my hand at 1 point (momentary moment of weakness....inevitable really)
Have taken to going to bed at 11 everynight recently.... I MEAN REALLY? Last night i had a slice of toast & cup of tea and felt SO GUILTY i did 'toe' exercises (least movement possible) for 50 minutes to feel better.... cannot believe i came to new york to stay in everynight and contemplate how poor and fat I am... ah well, its all in aid of getting a boyfriend... winning the lottery... and becoming famous TV personality.
Oh Jesus
