Since moving to London one of my main aims (apart from living fabulously and power dressing) was to date the HELL out of London. In doing so I can only say I have opened myself up to a world of hyper-ventilating, soul destroying back and forths that have left me in both pits of despair and moments of complete elation.
Having deconstructed the behavior of numerous beau's from POF & tinder along with my most trusted girlfriends there's a pattern we've all noticed, I call it the 'poof' effect. This is where you think everything is going great, you've gone on a few dates, had a few laughs, enjoyed each others beautifully crafted bodies and then...silence. The stages of this universally acknowledged love dance can be explained in the following stages.
The meet cute
I make it a rule never to send the first message as I'm of the age old belief I should be chased like a pony around a newly flourished field. So it's a rare occasion that I get a well crafted genuine message from a guy on some dating site. You start talking and SNAP you're hooked.And you are so damn excited you could give birth to a brood of puppies...
The first date
It goes great, you can feel the wilderness years start to melt away in the belief that, THIS IS HAPPENING, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! You tell all your friends about it, deconstruct every detail and just keep re-living that glorious first kiss that made you tingle all the way to your toes.
You hold back
As women we know we can't do the chasing, it's just not what our mothers taught us, so we wait. Anxiously looking at our phones waiting on the "I had a great time when can we meet up again" text that will inevitably come because you had a great time and there's no possible way he didn't too... right?
Let the good times roll
Romance, adoration, butterfly's, the stars seem brighter, food tastes sweeter, because GURL GOTTA DATE! This is when you're truly enjoying yourself, date 2, 3 maybe even 4. Sharing everything with each other, making plans and coming up with exciting dates you can sink your teeth into. You feel like it'll never end...
You do the nasty
There comes the inevitable moment that you want to enjoy that body, take him to bed and make him leave his manners at the door, there are many different theories on how long to hold out on this for... I've never been one to deny myself much so it happens when I want it to happen, no sooner, no later.
Then...
After a post coital cuddle and a few funny phrases back and forth you notice the texts are becoming a bit less frequent, but maybe he's just getting comfortable and feels he doesn't have to text you much... maybe...
Where's my text
After a day or so of waiting you're tearing your hair out waiting for this guy to text you, during this time you'll have a medley of thoughts run through your mind, turning you from a fully functioning member of society into a mad banshee who is consumed by the capability of a working mobile phone ...
"Maybe he's sick and can't get to the phone"
"Maybe his thumbs have fallen off making him incapable of texting me"
"He's gotten back with his ex and is done with me"
"He didn't like my hairy toes and thinks I'm a freakish hobbit lady"
"He lost his phone and forgot my name after getting into a fight defending my honour"
"He's dead, hit by a bus"
If I'm honest it's best to go with the theory he died, you desperately want to bombard him with texts or god even CALL him just to see if he's alive but...
And Mindy is never wrong...
You then go through the 5 stages of grief;
1. Denial
He'll text me eventually, of course he will, there's no reason for him not to, we had a great time, he's probably just busy - you say as your eyes burn a whole in your home screen, WILLING it to burst into a flurry of "sorry babe, haven't spoken in ages, when can i take you for a drink again"...
2. Anger
SCREW THAT MOTHER FLIPPIN NEEDLE DICK I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE BEING SINGLE IS SO MUCH EASIER ANYWAY
3. Bargaining
Okay maybe if I go to sleep on my left side like I did after our first date he'll text me...
4. Depression
I will never find love again
5. Acceptance
Pour yourself a drink, put your lipstick on and pull yourself together.You're never gunna hear from this guy again, and you'll never know why and its awful but you move on. In the words of tinder...
