Hay Billy Joel....F*%$ You!

Have you heard the song.....'Always a Woman to Me', its by my new personal enemy number 1....Billy Joel. The song was recently covered by Fyfe Dangermouse (real name Dangerfield, but my version is better) on that John Lewis advert which followed this kid around until she was grown up....and yeah I cried, i'm not ashamed, that old woman looked just like my mum, like all mums in fact, and I. Love. Mums.

He's saying: 'Man Power'

But if you give this song a listen, as I did on my hectic and tragic commute to work this morning, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, as not only was I being attacked left right and center by elbows, women, children, and fighter pilots, but by THE SONG RINGING IN MY EARS!

Because, if you give it a real listen, and listen closely, it's a big old yankee doodle FUCK YOU to women all over, any woman, me, you, your mum, your friends sister, her friends sister, your old teacher, the woman from the bakeshop, Kat Deely, Mother Teresa, basically, Billy Joel likes NONE of these people...

Allow me to enlighten you......with some lyrics;

She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' - Oh WOW! Who's been cutting you up Billy Joel???? Eh? Because if you've been getting the Dexter treatment, I'd tell someone, preferably the police, becasue USUALLY most women don't go around slicing up peeps whilst saying 'BAHAHAHAHA, LOOK! YOUR SPILLING BLOOD HOW HIGHFREAKINLARIOUS' No, usually your mum'll come along and be like, 'here's a plaster cherub, feel better *smooch*'.....so basically what we're looking at here is Billy Joel doesn't like mums, EXHIBIT 1!

She can do as she pleases, She's nobody's fool - I kind of wish this was true, I wish I COULD do as I pleases....i'd start smearing chocolate stains on skinny girls dresses as they walk down the street, i'd start telling my boss to 'GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN COFFEE' i'd start willing the weather with my mind to be miserable so that I don't have to feel bad about curling up in my bed like a fresh refugee every night whilst watching sad chick flicks....and then I wouldn't even feel guilty about it because.... I'M NOBODY'S FOOL, YEAH FOOLS, I PITY YO FOOL! Exhibit 2....Billy Joel doesn't like little girls either!

She can't be convicted. She's earned her degree - Maybe Billy Joel thinks we're superheros, becasue so far we can....cut people up, do what we want, and not even get into trouble for it, HAY GIRLS, we can't be convicted.....FANTASTIC! Lets raise hell, I'll get the paraffin, you get the matches.....but hay, Billy Joel.... WE CAN GET CONVICTED, I've got an aunt in the big house who'll vouch for that.... but she didn't have a degree..... maybe thats why.....Exhibit 3...Billy Joel hates lady criminals....and people with  degrees.

And the most she will do Is throw shadows at you - Okay, its admissions time, I....from time to time....throw shadows at people, okay! Its not something i'm proud of, but occaisonally, when i'm in a room with someone, i'll get my shadow, and i'll just throw it at their head, they just never see it coming.....

Now, I realise that these are METAPHORS, I did English Literature as well ya know, but come on, do  woman really deserve this, I'd like to sit Billy Joel down, put on some Kelis and watch his face get all confundled too....or maybe I should make a song to the the tune of 'Always a Woman' except its MY turn....i'll call it 'He's Always a Man' and maybe it'll go something like this;

He doesn't notice my dress, but he'll still put his hand up there
He won't open the door and he'll swear if I step there
He thinks that he's smarter and better than me
He doesn't clean up after himself, yeah he's always a man to me

Ooooooooh and he gets paid more
If I do I'm a 'whore'
Even though we do the same jooooooooob

Ooooooh sometimes you burp in my face,
You ask me to taste, my god what's wrong with yoooooou

You don't have to wear make up
You don't have to wax
You don't have to wear girdles or take occaisonal smakcs
You don't cook meals for 6 then get asked for a take away
You get better with age, and you can put us in a cage.

Yeah, your always a man to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*and yes I do have daddy issues*

So Billy Joel, LAY OFF! I hope you just wrote this song in a fit of anger much like I wrote this blog....in which case ALL IS FORGIVEN.....especially as I just love all your other songs...

Being Sad is really fun....sometimes

Today I am sad.....I could tell you the reasons, but mostly I think i'll just leave them to your imagination, perhaps its something really predictable and everyday, like finding out your ex is happily with someone else filling their hearts with joy, or perhaps its something deep routed and scary, like not being able to find your place in the world and hopelessly wondering the earth in complete disarray.....or.....PERHAPS ITS NONE OF THESE THINGS!!!!!

Nevertheless, I'm sad.

Now, being the rumbustious, tempestuous person I am, I actually am rarely sad, if i am its usually when I'm riding the crimson wave (which I'm not before you so RUDELY ask) or its when something happens.....something has happened by the way, but again i'm not telling.....needless to say, I have been partaking in things to cheer me old self up.....as there is no better excuse to be exquisitely selfish, than when you are sad.

Watching movies, lying on my front in bed, in completely shapeless clothes eating a shit tone of Nutella.....heaven

Shopping, especially when you can't afford it....delicious

Eating, standing up in the kitchen, right out of the tub/container/packet....unashamedly....sometimes with my hands.....ESPECIALLY when its cheddar cheese (old as fuck preferably) and Branston pickle.... I just rack those calories up.....I RACK EM UP!

Walking through the street with the saddest face I can muster, throw some Whitney into my eardrums, and cry in front of strangers.....this is the most dramatic thing I can do, and i LOVE it, the awkward attention it brings you, literally gives my heart little skippy beats, I pretend I'm in that sad part of any movie where the protagonist is getting lots of meaningful closeups and the voice over is saying....'Jennifer had never felt so alone, or so important......' - Please try this one, especially on public transport!

Yesterday, I read, (in  a very good blog) one of the worst quotes I have ever heard, it came from the lips of my personal public enemy number 1, Kate Moss, it was this little ditty.....'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'. Well Shit. There is one thing that I will never taste. For sure. And thanks Kate, thanks for making me feel proper SHIT about my cheddar cheese addiction....this especially sucks as I love 'good tasting things'.....maybe what she means is that she gets her kicks from eating models? Is this the case Kate? You got a soft spot for cannibalism? eh? EH??? Yeah.....I'm onto you Moss!


A lot is going on about weight right now I feel...... I. personally am over it. And much like the mosquito bites on my BUTTOCKS, nothing is gunna change soon. So, apart from listening to sad.fm i'm going to continue with my day, next on the list....

Watching cute puppy videos on youtube.....