Today is my birthday, and apart from the 65 facebook messages, 4 emails, 3 cards, 1 package from my mother, and cake I am feeling pretty special, birthdays are a cause for you to be the only person in the world, and coincidentally, my birthday is my favorite day in the year, its always hot, sunny & full of my favorite people....except when I sabotage all my friendships, alienate my family & get drunk alone.....wait.....what am I saying, birthdays are bloody awful!
Allow me to enlighten you to some of my 'best' birthdays;
Lets start with my sixth Birthday; Best friend of the time was 'Eve', lovely girl, the theme was 'Princess Dress Up', I chose this theme as I had recently purchased a 'Jasmine' costume....you remember princess Jasmine right, from Aladdin, never mind that I'm a whiter shade of pale, I wanted to be Jasmine, and wear a bright turquoise tank top & harem pants.....honestly WHAT was I thinking.....by the age of six I was already the size of a tank.....so my bludgeoning tummy in all the family photo's is something that we all enjoy looking back on in my family.....'look at that tummy' my nan always says with dismay....also followed by...'when are you going to lose some weight eh?'....anywho I'm getting off track....so at the ripe old age of six I found myself 2 years into my parents divorce, and I was more than usually excited as my father had said he was coming for a visit.....literally I was peeing myself with excitement, so much so that I had told all my friends my father was Pavarotti and he was going to come sing at my birthday, I even told my teachers...so everyone had very high expectations...now my dad IS an opera singer, but alas, not Pavarotti, so everyone at my birthday was PRET-TY excited to meet Pavarotti.....now around the time that the cake came out everyone was getting a tad antsy....'Where is this Pavarotti?' I heard this bitch 'Stacey' utter under her breath.....all I could think was...he's coming, he's coming....so instead of blowing my candles out I ran to the piano in our front room, and climbed on top of it to see if daddy dearest was around the corner, becasue who else is going to sing happy birthday to me right? At which point my poor mum comes in, with the SADDEST LOOK ON HER FACE... we all know sad mum face is the worst kind of face you could EVER see....so I knew the news wasn't good....turns out Dad couldn't even call to tell me he was knee deep in new woman fanny and wasn't gunna make it....so apart from being labeled a 'liar' for the rest of my school life, that birthday was a real memory maker!
Lets fast forward...
My 12th birthday, best friend at the time was; Keri Ann Stroud (hilarious girl if not a tad heavy handed...I say this because her greatest joy was to push me over and laugh as I struggled like a turtle on the floor) my theme this year was a 'Roller Disco Party'....don't ask me why, I had already broken my Coccyx from roller skating around my garden....but it was the trend of the time so lets go with it... I was IN LOVE with a Mr Seren Averies and after breaking up & getting back together again over the past couple of months I thought my birthday was the perfect time to make. love. happen....so Seren came over and being the 'girl' I am, I ran, blushing into my bathroom to hide, with all my girlfriends giggling outside the door Seren asked to come in....I was HYPERVENTILATING with excitement at this point, so intrepidly....I opened the door....in he came and we had some sort of awkward 'tween' conversation in which he asked me to 'go out' with him....of course I said yes, and it was looking like the best birthday ever....now, did I mention that I had turned the shower on during this time....so that no one could hear us talking, yeah....well remember that bit....so I go to my roller disco party, have a grand old time....but notice quite a bit of whispering as I blow out my candles....when I get back to school come Monday, there's a delightful rumor spreading around, that SEREN AND I HAD SEX IN MY BATHTUB!!! I mean really? Seriously? I get we lived in a new age, but COME ON KIDS! So this birthday I was now a liar (from previous birthday so all denial was quickly ignored) and TWO I was a loose woman, a label which seriously deterred me in EVER getting a boyfriend again. Oh. And Seren broke up with me pretty quickly after that too.....
Well even more joy came when I was older & wiser....
17th Birthday, best friend of the time was still 'Keri Ann Stroud' (big up the Stroud) and I'd decided as my parents were away....to have a house party....a BIG house party....I invited everyone in my school, (including the rugby team as my new crush o the year was David Moseley...a HOT rugby player). I had tidied my house, rang my mother and told her not to worry...and was all set to get as drunk as humanely possible so I could deal with 'being the hostess'. I had told everyone the party was to begin at 7PM, and as I sat there in my party dress, alone, with a glass of stolen parental wine, I awaited the doorbell to ring.... and waited....and suddenly it was 8PM and I was already crying...not 1 text, not 1 call, and NO ONE had turned up....as i rolled into despair with the age old words of 'I HAVE NO FRIENDS I AM ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY, WAHHHHHHHHHHH' I got the call.
Everyone was at the pub, everyone, no one had thought to invite me as...you know why would you....but they were all drunk and needed a place to carry on the party, so the pub was coming over to my house, I cannot tell you the mix of excitement & fear that I felt. Needless to say, my windows got smashed, my bathtub got filled with melted Ben & Jerry's, I watched as my crush made out with another girl....my fence got pulled down, and my brothers room got hot boxed....not to mention my poor family dog shat its self in the front room....but I got 'cool' status for around 2 days in school, which was worth it....I told my mum that a mad pigeon had gotten into the house and smashed it up. She believed me.
Now there were MANY more awful birthdays that I had, one in which I was told I was having a surprise birthday then fell out with everyone so it got canceled, one which I played Quazar and pissed my self in front of everyone....oh just so many happy memories...which bring me to this one....
Lucky number 23.
Now, I don't know how this birthday will end out, but I'm pretty sure my best friend has forgot, (SVEN ITS 10 AM AND STILL NO MESSAGE) and my 'would be' best friend has now found a new best friend with which she spends all her time....but it hasn't been all bad so far, 3 cards, copious amounts of facebook well wishers and the promise of a surprise from both work friends and friend friends....maybe this birthday will change my bad luck cycle...maybe it won't, all i can say is, if you have a bad birthday, don't sweat it, you have another 365 days to drink away the memories, I recommend vodka....lots of it!
