It is a well known fact that there is no such thing as a stress free Christmas... and this year was no exception, however.... nothing could have prepared me for what happened to myself (and 4 other poor defenceless women) this festive season....
It all began when my very good friend 'Kiki' suggested an idyllic Christmas, in a log cabin.... far away from the busyness of the city.... in up-state New York (charming i think you will agree) and it was all going so swimmingly at first!!! I amazingly enough was able to escape work 3 HOURS EARLY (well deserved as have been staying about 4 hours late EACH DAY to get through catastrophic amounts of work far beyond my comprehension... but that's another story.... anywho, the journey upstate began with 5 girls bundling into a small white rental car... who we playfully named 'Stu' .... (although i disagreed with this as we all know.... cars are all girls, much like ships or tanks... or ..... computers) not. sure. why. ANYWHO after a small harmless mistake my friend 'Monica' made we accidentally locked our selves out of the building where all our personal belongings were... after a very 'I know what you did last summer' manoeuvre (i.e. walking around to the back entrance of the building) through trees/ shrubs/flower beds we unlocked ourselves from scary dark... cleaner only there building and set off!!
The journey although long.... and full of constant questions like.... 'Where are the Hobnobs' .....'When's the next rest stop' 'I need a wee' and the ever faithful.... 'Did anyone bring cash for the toll bridge'.... we entered Northville... and all i can say is that arriving in Northville in the dead of night.... all any of us could think of where images of scary thin old men, whispering the words.... 'But that place burnt down yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears ago'..... As 5 terrified girls entered the shutter door of a dark log cabin... on the edge of a frozen lake (not that we could see it) we stepped into what can only be described as Christmas heaven....
Golden lit wreaths hung above a REAL log fire... along with twinkling fern trees (not real) a huge kitchen, large soft DOUBLE beds... (which is a warm welcome from the barely single plastic covered beds we were used to).... As we settled in beautifully with a comphy glass of warm red wine.... our weekend of supposed bliss was about to continue...
Now what i can say about the actual time IN the cabin... well.... it was magical... so relaxing.... so tranquil... the first morning i was outside having my usual mug of coffee and morning ciggarette I saw a bushell of squirrels scurrying around the open countryside... with fresh laid tracks of secret animals left behind in the snow... never in my LIFE had i felt more like Snow White.... I will even admit to you now... i did start to sing.... 'Edelweiss' (dont jusge me too harshly i was taken over by the beauty of it all)
Anywho it was Christmas Eve.... and 'Monica' was determined to make saints of us and take us to a carol service (slight worry at this point... I am descendant from Jews and have never entered a church in my life) but hay ho... off we went to find Jesus (as it was his birthday) and sung silent night by candlelight (hay... THAT RHYMES) Unfortunately by this stage i was a bit pissed due to an entire day of drinking gin and a good few bottles of mulled wine! So most the time i spent laughing at the poor sods in the Northville dramatic society... trying to remember their lines (without much luck) and putting poorly choreographed 'raise your arms to glory' moves in the carols .... oh.... the shame!
However christmas eve went down without a hitch.... and people seemed to enjoy my operatic stylings of Silent Night.... even if it was 2 octaves higher than most people! And hardly anyone got offended... except one poor couple who overheard me 'Phoebe' and 'Kiki' exclaim
Phoebe - Oh look a trumpet!
Kiki - Par rupa pum pum
Me - Upa my bum!
Poor innocent Christians.... i feel bad now!
CHRISTMAS DAY!!
Now what i didn't tell you is that upon arriving home from a lovely carol service 'Mary' discovered that the downstairs bathroom was covered in dirt & grit.... having no idea where this came from we simply swept it aside and forgot all about it..... oh...... what a mistake that was to be....
Upon awaking Christmas morning... we all felt we should look our best and showered... make up'd and did oursleves all pretty like for the festive holiday.... now 5 girls showering along with a dish washer on full go.... and a washing machine tumbling around.... generates ALOT of water/ sewage.... not thinking of the previous nights warning... at about 11 am the bottom floor was flooded..... and the downstairs toilet had backed up all our excrement over the floor.... complete and utter horror.... now much to my eternal shame I did nothing.... zero.... in all honesty i was oblivious and simply chain smoked about 30 cigarettes on the upper balcony whilst my poor friends threw buckets and buckets of dirty water out of the downstairs bathroom into our frozen lake.... after this ordeal everyone needed a stiff drink.... especially me.... what with doing nothing..... so whilst my poor friends washed off everyones shit.... i began to make christmas dinner.....
Now for the next part.... I am not exactly sure HOW this happened.... but upon leaving the kitchen for a sit by the fire and a baileys.... I returned to see the 4 girls crowded around the oven... with faces as white as sheets.... pulling 'Mary' aside i was informed that Kiki... had inadvertently of course locked the oven.... and could not open it.... now having already called the owner of the cabin round due to the 'sewage situation' we found it highly difficult to pull the poor man away from his loving family again to open an oven..... nevertheless.... we did
And he did not know how to open the oven
And his son did not know how to open the oven
At this point i was becoming increasingly worried about my beloved Turkey which i had personally rubbed and bathed and stuffed (as queen Nigella had specified) and after we had sent these poor men back to their mothers wives and daughters.... we all sat down (well some of us hid in the basement) and had a stiff drink of Gin.... we pondered..... and we shook the hinges of the oven door..... and we screamed at the oven door..... and then i screamed some more as Kiki began to tell me that the oven was actually on the clean cycle....
which goes up to 900 degrees
which turns everything to ash
and your even supposed to take the shelves out as they MELT FROM THE HEAT!!!
In a all consuming panic i yelled..... 'MY TURKEY!!!!!!'
And after a painstaking wait after turning the bloody thing off from the mains.... 20 minutes and 2 gin & tonics later.... the oven just popped right open.... revealing an actually deliciously cooked turkey!!!
So all in all had a fantastic feast .... i even made bread sauce (not from a packet) AND home-made cranberry sauce (just call me Delia!) ..... however ..... twas not the last of the tail..... oh no ...... much MUCH worse was to come....
