As I am currently watching the EVER amazing homage to Feminism in the 80's '9 to 5' I suddenly feel COMPELLED to write about my favourite subject...female empowerment and the feminist revolution. I am constantly amazed and astounded by my feminist compatriots; Germaine Greer, Caitlyn Moran, The Suffragettes, Nora Effron and even Dolly Parton. I cannot FATHOM how brave these women were to stand up at the HEIGHT of the patriarchy and call BULLSHIT ON THE BULLSHIT!
I am AMAZED by women.
Women, are brave, fierce warriors who look on bigots, and are never shaken...am I the only person who's recently stood up and said FUCK YEAH FEMINISM! Granted, we've come a long way from the 80's, NAY, even the 20'S! And I just want to say THANK YOU ladies of the past, thanks for being brave enough to say, we're not gunna take this bullshit, we are meant for more than the home, more than the ironing, more than thanklessly slaving over a stove for husband and kin, we are STUPENDOUS!
It;s Jane Fonda's words that RING in my ears when she tells her misogynistic boss; 'You're a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot .. a wart on the nose of humanity and I'm gunna blow it off'... I mean snaps for sass there sister!
NOT THAT I'M A MAN HATER! I love men, I've met some amazing men, (mostly gay ones) but nevertheless amazing, but I've also had my fair share of bullshit...I've been felt up by my boss, lamented by twerps who would rant of their 30+ women whilst sharing a bed with me...but it doesn't make me put them all into one big mesh of 'man' that I judge them all by...so it shouldn't work that way with women either...
I believe that if we let the women get to work on some issues, we could clear up...we could kick ass, I WANT A FEMALE PRIME MINISTER, I want a female president (all hail Hilary Clinton), I want more female CEO's and more skirts in the board rooms... I want Beyonce's anthem to ring true...
WHO RUN THE WORLD....
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Being Unemployed
There are many stigmas related to being unemployed...some say YOU'RE A BIG FAT FAILURE...some say...you're taking some time to rediscover yourself, some say ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya just CANNOT be bothered any more, but having been unemployed for almost three months I can now say, most of the time, I'm either watching movies/porn/TV shows/reading blogs or a mixture of all four.
Now, obviously, after only THREE MONTHS I'm no expert, but it's not exactly the first time I've been unemployed...and these are just a few things I've found have stood out about the experience;
a) SIGNING ON, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the moment you walk into that job centre, you sit there and are basically accused of 'CHEATING THE SYSTEM' from the word go...also...everyone seems to think you have kids. The amount of times I've had to desperately plead 'I DON'T HAVE ANY HIDDEN GOLD' just doesn't seem to get through and I'm curiously appraised up and down with that disparaging look of 'what went wrong here'? The truth of the matter is, signing on isn't fun.
b) Applying to jobs; a.k.a THE DEATHLY SILENCE.
c) Interviews; Everyone knows interviews are awful, no right minded British person wants to get up on stage and say how brilliant they are (bar politicians, and who trusts them! Eh? EH?) But you have to, you have to 'talk through your CV' (whatever that means) and say what your strengths & weaknesses are (going through a pint of ben & jerry's in under a minute & being attracted to cruel men if you're interested). And I HATE myself after EVERY interview because I come across as the fakeyest person in all the land! I put on my 'pretend to be Sophie Dahl' face and none of those managers get to see the real me...thank god though as I don't think anyones going to be impressed by someone who does Zooey Deschanel impressions. *By the by doesn't everyone want to BE her?....another conversation perhaps*
d) Bed; My life is spent in bed now. My bed is sectionalised into an office/table/confectionery/cinema/sleepy place and occasional kitchen (my new concoction is galaxy pieces with peanut butter) YUM! *As a side note I should mention I've put on over a stone since being unemployed, which is weird considering I Can't even afford melba toast!
e) Hobby's; I did that 'thing' whereby I told myself, I'VE GOT ALL THIS FREE TIME LET'S LEARN. So I thought about reading all the classics, like Pride & Prejudice & Anna Karenina, or learning French Italian/Spanish...but all I've ended up with is late return fees at the library and an untouched box set of French lessons. I have however grown a STRONG dependency on Wes Anderson movies, which is just as educational...
f) The hard bit; The hard bit is a mixture of the two things I can never bear to talk about, a.k.a. real shit...which is an amalgamation of money & loneliness. As your friends eventually grow up and you stay stagnant, stuck between living with your parents and drinking alone, it becomes increasingly difficult to relate. Also, money. Money means you can't necessarily afford to go out this week, and when everyone else is, that can be a tricky situation. It can also mean in some of the 'worse' situations, like when you get bailiffs banging at your door, or being blacklisted or just having nothing left of your overdraft when you REALLY WANT A NEW DRESS! But this can all be cured by sticking your ore in, facing up to those blackbirds and curing you of your adolescence. (Hasn't happened yet but here's hoping)!
g) Your Facebook wall; This can be the WORST part of your day, (occasionally the best when you get a notification however). A good friend once told me that people are now PRing their own lives, which I think is unavoidable nowadays anyway, by god I've done it myself. Unfortunately there's nothing worse than seeing other people doing incredibly well whilst your life goes irrevocably down the toilet. But the best thing to do is wish those people well (whilst holding up a proud middle finger to your computer screen) because karma comes back to you, being bitter isn't healthy, and deep down I know they got there through hard work, dedication... and there's a reason they're my friends...because they're awesome!
Overall, everyone at some point or another is going to be unemployed, so even if you're all alone in it right now, we're all together in it really. Sometimes I take comfort in that...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
RELOCATION STATION
So I am back from New York, and once again in the cushy softness of home....and what a relief it is! What can I tell you about my year in New York...well...basically...it was aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright, okay, bit stressful, bit....nerve wrecking....there were many times I cried into a bag of Oreos....but then again, there were also times when tramps stole my shoes...so...all in all it worked out for the best!
However other than it being all right I am glad to be back...so glad to be back in fact that I will not be partaking in any international learning exchanges for quite some time...perhaps....forever. Because...well...it's really nice to be around people who are a) aware of my existence and b) don't think I'm a total nit wit! Old friends who forgive me my trespasses, dogs that will fart on me then lick my face, mums that will emotionally blackmail me into tidying my room, brothers who smoke all my cigarettes, pubs that serve luke warm wine, a double bed so soft feathers dissolve into it...shops that sell dresses for a pound...FISHANDCIPSCURRYCHINESEROASTDINNERSCUPSOFTEA and the prettiest money I ever did see! Yes, Britain has my heart, and unfortunately no Yank wanted to steal it....wimper....
But what did I leave behind? What memories/adventures/lovers/friends/experiences or felonies are left in remembrance of me in the all great N.Y.C....well...there was definitely a very dirty room, as instead of packing and making sure everything was in order for that all important 7AM flight home....I went out (for once) for a last hooorah! And instead of cleaning away my things (leftover food, dirty pants, toothbrushes etc) I just threw what was left of my wardrobe into two EXTREMELY heavy bags and legged it to the airport...so whomever is to open the illustrious bottom chest of drawers is in for a fearful sight...I believe the poor lads name is Sri...so Sri, I am sorry... I am so, so very sorry! So what I left behind in New York, was no string of broken hearts or great lasting friendships, but a shit ton of gone off tootsie rolls & yum yums slowly festering in the bottom drawer of a dingey student flat....But don't worry, the woman's baby sat next to me on the plane threw up on my lap just after take off....so I have been suitably punished...I hope!
Now, one person who thinks i did 'simply marvellously dear' is my dear old mum, who, in a moment of sheer madness....has written to the local paper under the heading 'WELSH GIRL DONE GOOD'....now, it is not as if welsh people don't go out there and do pretty amazing things...I know people from my school who are working in magazines...and starting their own businesses...and....head of Barclays bank, so the fact that my mum thinks the local paper will be interested to know that Oprah came into my work...or... that I waved lamely at Robert De Niro, seems ridiculous, unfortunately...it is not, and today I had a photographer in my kitchen, making me hold up a phone & laptop looking 'busines like'...and this will soon be in print...and...its just too much...
Now, what I take with me from New York...is a torturous facebook homepage, as now, all I have to look forward to is reading the status updates of around 150 people, who are;
a) Still in New York with jobs and a blooming career
b)Travelling America with a new bunch of best friends having the trip of a lifetime
c)Moving back to England with a bludgeoning bunch of friends to well paid jobs in fascinating sectors
d)oh just...kill me now
There is something so awful about getting the feeling you may have missed out on something....and then getting it backed up by around...150 people...BUT ALL IS NOT LOST!
I am living the Bridget dream....I am moving in (with my very own Tom) to a flat in London, whereby I have somehow convinced someone to give me a job...a real job...a job that doesn't require me to to pick & hang up a telephone whilst watching movies at my desk, but actually...work...I. am. terrified. So terrified in fact that I have desperately been trying to ask people from New York how to do this job... unfortunately, the phone is left unanswered.... I really should have made a better impression... I realise whilst I write this I sound INCREDIBLY ungrateful for my time away, I do know how incredibly lucky I was to have been there....but....it was HARD! Going over alone and having to try and make friends all over again...I just wasn't up for the challenge and therefore spent most the time in my room thinking everyone thought I was an arsehole....maybe I am an arsehole...I just don't know....and now that I'm home...I just don't care! One thing I have learned about my time away is...I may in fact...be an enormous arsehole.
But being an arsehole has its perks and I am excited to get London life started...I'm thinking...Queen, cream tea, cricket, double decker buses, crumpets, Earls, stately homes, how's your father, apples and pears, markets, pubs, clubs, rowing, rioting, haw hawing, guffawing, raining, sailing, sun bathing, walking, Prince Harry, Kate Middleton...PIPPA Middletone, Vanessa Feltz, Russell Brand, Cockneys, Toffs and Jocks and BLOODY HELL LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Get ready readers (mum) as roundasarubens is off to Landan Taaaaaan....I'm gunna get my Winehouse on (god rest her soul) and really try this time...well...we'll see...
However other than it being all right I am glad to be back...so glad to be back in fact that I will not be partaking in any international learning exchanges for quite some time...perhaps....forever. Because...well...it's really nice to be around people who are a) aware of my existence and b) don't think I'm a total nit wit! Old friends who forgive me my trespasses, dogs that will fart on me then lick my face, mums that will emotionally blackmail me into tidying my room, brothers who smoke all my cigarettes, pubs that serve luke warm wine, a double bed so soft feathers dissolve into it...shops that sell dresses for a pound...FISHANDCIPSCURRYCHINESEROASTDINNERSCUPSOFTEA and the prettiest money I ever did see! Yes, Britain has my heart, and unfortunately no Yank wanted to steal it....wimper....
But what did I leave behind? What memories/adventures/lovers/friends/experiences or felonies are left in remembrance of me in the all great N.Y.C....well...there was definitely a very dirty room, as instead of packing and making sure everything was in order for that all important 7AM flight home....I went out (for once) for a last hooorah! And instead of cleaning away my things (leftover food, dirty pants, toothbrushes etc) I just threw what was left of my wardrobe into two EXTREMELY heavy bags and legged it to the airport...so whomever is to open the illustrious bottom chest of drawers is in for a fearful sight...I believe the poor lads name is Sri...so Sri, I am sorry... I am so, so very sorry! So what I left behind in New York, was no string of broken hearts or great lasting friendships, but a shit ton of gone off tootsie rolls & yum yums slowly festering in the bottom drawer of a dingey student flat....But don't worry, the woman's baby sat next to me on the plane threw up on my lap just after take off....so I have been suitably punished...I hope!
Now, one person who thinks i did 'simply marvellously dear' is my dear old mum, who, in a moment of sheer madness....has written to the local paper under the heading 'WELSH GIRL DONE GOOD'....now, it is not as if welsh people don't go out there and do pretty amazing things...I know people from my school who are working in magazines...and starting their own businesses...and....head of Barclays bank, so the fact that my mum thinks the local paper will be interested to know that Oprah came into my work...or... that I waved lamely at Robert De Niro, seems ridiculous, unfortunately...it is not, and today I had a photographer in my kitchen, making me hold up a phone & laptop looking 'busines like'...and this will soon be in print...and...its just too much...
Now, what I take with me from New York...is a torturous facebook homepage, as now, all I have to look forward to is reading the status updates of around 150 people, who are;
a) Still in New York with jobs and a blooming career
b)Travelling America with a new bunch of best friends having the trip of a lifetime
c)Moving back to England with a bludgeoning bunch of friends to well paid jobs in fascinating sectors
d)oh just...kill me now
There is something so awful about getting the feeling you may have missed out on something....and then getting it backed up by around...150 people...BUT ALL IS NOT LOST!
I am living the Bridget dream....I am moving in (with my very own Tom) to a flat in London, whereby I have somehow convinced someone to give me a job...a real job...a job that doesn't require me to to pick & hang up a telephone whilst watching movies at my desk, but actually...work...I. am. terrified. So terrified in fact that I have desperately been trying to ask people from New York how to do this job... unfortunately, the phone is left unanswered.... I really should have made a better impression... I realise whilst I write this I sound INCREDIBLY ungrateful for my time away, I do know how incredibly lucky I was to have been there....but....it was HARD! Going over alone and having to try and make friends all over again...I just wasn't up for the challenge and therefore spent most the time in my room thinking everyone thought I was an arsehole....maybe I am an arsehole...I just don't know....and now that I'm home...I just don't care! One thing I have learned about my time away is...I may in fact...be an enormous arsehole.
But being an arsehole has its perks and I am excited to get London life started...I'm thinking...Queen, cream tea, cricket, double decker buses, crumpets, Earls, stately homes, how's your father, apples and pears, markets, pubs, clubs, rowing, rioting, haw hawing, guffawing, raining, sailing, sun bathing, walking, Prince Harry, Kate Middleton...PIPPA Middletone, Vanessa Feltz, Russell Brand, Cockneys, Toffs and Jocks and BLOODY HELL LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
Get ready readers (mum) as roundasarubens is off to Landan Taaaaaan....I'm gunna get my Winehouse on (god rest her soul) and really try this time...well...we'll see...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Birthdays
Today is my birthday, and apart from the 65 facebook messages, 4 emails, 3 cards, 1 package from my mother, and cake I am feeling pretty special, birthdays are a cause for you to be the only person in the world, and coincidentally, my birthday is my favorite day in the year, its always hot, sunny & full of my favorite people....except when I sabotage all my friendships, alienate my family & get drunk alone.....wait.....what am I saying, birthdays are bloody awful!
Allow me to enlighten you to some of my 'best' birthdays;
Lets start with my sixth Birthday; Best friend of the time was 'Eve', lovely girl, the theme was 'Princess Dress Up', I chose this theme as I had recently purchased a 'Jasmine' costume....you remember princess Jasmine right, from Aladdin, never mind that I'm a whiter shade of pale, I wanted to be Jasmine, and wear a bright turquoise tank top & harem pants.....honestly WHAT was I thinking.....by the age of six I was already the size of a tank.....so my bludgeoning tummy in all the family photo's is something that we all enjoy looking back on in my family.....'look at that tummy' my nan always says with dismay....also followed by...'when are you going to lose some weight eh?'....anywho I'm getting off track....so at the ripe old age of six I found myself 2 years into my parents divorce, and I was more than usually excited as my father had said he was coming for a visit.....literally I was peeing myself with excitement, so much so that I had told all my friends my father was Pavarotti and he was going to come sing at my birthday, I even told my teachers...so everyone had very high expectations...now my dad IS an opera singer, but alas, not Pavarotti, so everyone at my birthday was PRET-TY excited to meet Pavarotti.....now around the time that the cake came out everyone was getting a tad antsy....'Where is this Pavarotti?' I heard this bitch 'Stacey' utter under her breath.....all I could think was...he's coming, he's coming....so instead of blowing my candles out I ran to the piano in our front room, and climbed on top of it to see if daddy dearest was around the corner, becasue who else is going to sing happy birthday to me right? At which point my poor mum comes in, with the SADDEST LOOK ON HER FACE... we all know sad mum face is the worst kind of face you could EVER see....so I knew the news wasn't good....turns out Dad couldn't even call to tell me he was knee deep in new woman fanny and wasn't gunna make it....so apart from being labeled a 'liar' for the rest of my school life, that birthday was a real memory maker!
Lets fast forward...
My 12th birthday, best friend at the time was; Keri Ann Stroud (hilarious girl if not a tad heavy handed...I say this because her greatest joy was to push me over and laugh as I struggled like a turtle on the floor) my theme this year was a 'Roller Disco Party'....don't ask me why, I had already broken my Coccyx from roller skating around my garden....but it was the trend of the time so lets go with it... I was IN LOVE with a Mr Seren Averies and after breaking up & getting back together again over the past couple of months I thought my birthday was the perfect time to make. love. happen....so Seren came over and being the 'girl' I am, I ran, blushing into my bathroom to hide, with all my girlfriends giggling outside the door Seren asked to come in....I was HYPERVENTILATING with excitement at this point, so intrepidly....I opened the door....in he came and we had some sort of awkward 'tween' conversation in which he asked me to 'go out' with him....of course I said yes, and it was looking like the best birthday ever....now, did I mention that I had turned the shower on during this time....so that no one could hear us talking, yeah....well remember that bit....so I go to my roller disco party, have a grand old time....but notice quite a bit of whispering as I blow out my candles....when I get back to school come Monday, there's a delightful rumor spreading around, that SEREN AND I HAD SEX IN MY BATHTUB!!! I mean really? Seriously? I get we lived in a new age, but COME ON KIDS! So this birthday I was now a liar (from previous birthday so all denial was quickly ignored) and TWO I was a loose woman, a label which seriously deterred me in EVER getting a boyfriend again. Oh. And Seren broke up with me pretty quickly after that too.....
Well even more joy came when I was older & wiser....
17th Birthday, best friend of the time was still 'Keri Ann Stroud' (big up the Stroud) and I'd decided as my parents were away....to have a house party....a BIG house party....I invited everyone in my school, (including the rugby team as my new crush o the year was David Moseley...a HOT rugby player). I had tidied my house, rang my mother and told her not to worry...and was all set to get as drunk as humanely possible so I could deal with 'being the hostess'. I had told everyone the party was to begin at 7PM, and as I sat there in my party dress, alone, with a glass of stolen parental wine, I awaited the doorbell to ring.... and waited....and suddenly it was 8PM and I was already crying...not 1 text, not 1 call, and NO ONE had turned up....as i rolled into despair with the age old words of 'I HAVE NO FRIENDS I AM ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY, WAHHHHHHHHHHH' I got the call.
Everyone was at the pub, everyone, no one had thought to invite me as...you know why would you....but they were all drunk and needed a place to carry on the party, so the pub was coming over to my house, I cannot tell you the mix of excitement & fear that I felt. Needless to say, my windows got smashed, my bathtub got filled with melted Ben & Jerry's, I watched as my crush made out with another girl....my fence got pulled down, and my brothers room got hot boxed....not to mention my poor family dog shat its self in the front room....but I got 'cool' status for around 2 days in school, which was worth it....I told my mum that a mad pigeon had gotten into the house and smashed it up. She believed me.
Now there were MANY more awful birthdays that I had, one in which I was told I was having a surprise birthday then fell out with everyone so it got canceled, one which I played Quazar and pissed my self in front of everyone....oh just so many happy memories...which bring me to this one....
Lucky number 23.
Now, I don't know how this birthday will end out, but I'm pretty sure my best friend has forgot, (SVEN ITS 10 AM AND STILL NO MESSAGE) and my 'would be' best friend has now found a new best friend with which she spends all her time....but it hasn't been all bad so far, 3 cards, copious amounts of facebook well wishers and the promise of a surprise from both work friends and friend friends....maybe this birthday will change my bad luck cycle...maybe it won't, all i can say is, if you have a bad birthday, don't sweat it, you have another 365 days to drink away the memories, I recommend vodka....lots of it!
Allow me to enlighten you to some of my 'best' birthdays;
Lets start with my sixth Birthday; Best friend of the time was 'Eve', lovely girl, the theme was 'Princess Dress Up', I chose this theme as I had recently purchased a 'Jasmine' costume....you remember princess Jasmine right, from Aladdin, never mind that I'm a whiter shade of pale, I wanted to be Jasmine, and wear a bright turquoise tank top & harem pants.....honestly WHAT was I thinking.....by the age of six I was already the size of a tank.....so my bludgeoning tummy in all the family photo's is something that we all enjoy looking back on in my family.....'look at that tummy' my nan always says with dismay....also followed by...'when are you going to lose some weight eh?'....anywho I'm getting off track....so at the ripe old age of six I found myself 2 years into my parents divorce, and I was more than usually excited as my father had said he was coming for a visit.....literally I was peeing myself with excitement, so much so that I had told all my friends my father was Pavarotti and he was going to come sing at my birthday, I even told my teachers...so everyone had very high expectations...now my dad IS an opera singer, but alas, not Pavarotti, so everyone at my birthday was PRET-TY excited to meet Pavarotti.....now around the time that the cake came out everyone was getting a tad antsy....'Where is this Pavarotti?' I heard this bitch 'Stacey' utter under her breath.....all I could think was...he's coming, he's coming....so instead of blowing my candles out I ran to the piano in our front room, and climbed on top of it to see if daddy dearest was around the corner, becasue who else is going to sing happy birthday to me right? At which point my poor mum comes in, with the SADDEST LOOK ON HER FACE... we all know sad mum face is the worst kind of face you could EVER see....so I knew the news wasn't good....turns out Dad couldn't even call to tell me he was knee deep in new woman fanny and wasn't gunna make it....so apart from being labeled a 'liar' for the rest of my school life, that birthday was a real memory maker!
Lets fast forward...
My 12th birthday, best friend at the time was; Keri Ann Stroud (hilarious girl if not a tad heavy handed...I say this because her greatest joy was to push me over and laugh as I struggled like a turtle on the floor) my theme this year was a 'Roller Disco Party'....don't ask me why, I had already broken my Coccyx from roller skating around my garden....but it was the trend of the time so lets go with it... I was IN LOVE with a Mr Seren Averies and after breaking up & getting back together again over the past couple of months I thought my birthday was the perfect time to make. love. happen....so Seren came over and being the 'girl' I am, I ran, blushing into my bathroom to hide, with all my girlfriends giggling outside the door Seren asked to come in....I was HYPERVENTILATING with excitement at this point, so intrepidly....I opened the door....in he came and we had some sort of awkward 'tween' conversation in which he asked me to 'go out' with him....of course I said yes, and it was looking like the best birthday ever....now, did I mention that I had turned the shower on during this time....so that no one could hear us talking, yeah....well remember that bit....so I go to my roller disco party, have a grand old time....but notice quite a bit of whispering as I blow out my candles....when I get back to school come Monday, there's a delightful rumor spreading around, that SEREN AND I HAD SEX IN MY BATHTUB!!! I mean really? Seriously? I get we lived in a new age, but COME ON KIDS! So this birthday I was now a liar (from previous birthday so all denial was quickly ignored) and TWO I was a loose woman, a label which seriously deterred me in EVER getting a boyfriend again. Oh. And Seren broke up with me pretty quickly after that too.....
Well even more joy came when I was older & wiser....
17th Birthday, best friend of the time was still 'Keri Ann Stroud' (big up the Stroud) and I'd decided as my parents were away....to have a house party....a BIG house party....I invited everyone in my school, (including the rugby team as my new crush o the year was David Moseley...a HOT rugby player). I had tidied my house, rang my mother and told her not to worry...and was all set to get as drunk as humanely possible so I could deal with 'being the hostess'. I had told everyone the party was to begin at 7PM, and as I sat there in my party dress, alone, with a glass of stolen parental wine, I awaited the doorbell to ring.... and waited....and suddenly it was 8PM and I was already crying...not 1 text, not 1 call, and NO ONE had turned up....as i rolled into despair with the age old words of 'I HAVE NO FRIENDS I AM ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY, WAHHHHHHHHHHH' I got the call.
Everyone was at the pub, everyone, no one had thought to invite me as...you know why would you....but they were all drunk and needed a place to carry on the party, so the pub was coming over to my house, I cannot tell you the mix of excitement & fear that I felt. Needless to say, my windows got smashed, my bathtub got filled with melted Ben & Jerry's, I watched as my crush made out with another girl....my fence got pulled down, and my brothers room got hot boxed....not to mention my poor family dog shat its self in the front room....but I got 'cool' status for around 2 days in school, which was worth it....I told my mum that a mad pigeon had gotten into the house and smashed it up. She believed me.
Now there were MANY more awful birthdays that I had, one in which I was told I was having a surprise birthday then fell out with everyone so it got canceled, one which I played Quazar and pissed my self in front of everyone....oh just so many happy memories...which bring me to this one....
Lucky number 23.
Now, I don't know how this birthday will end out, but I'm pretty sure my best friend has forgot, (SVEN ITS 10 AM AND STILL NO MESSAGE) and my 'would be' best friend has now found a new best friend with which she spends all her time....but it hasn't been all bad so far, 3 cards, copious amounts of facebook well wishers and the promise of a surprise from both work friends and friend friends....maybe this birthday will change my bad luck cycle...maybe it won't, all i can say is, if you have a bad birthday, don't sweat it, you have another 365 days to drink away the memories, I recommend vodka....lots of it!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Hay Billy Joel....F*%$ You!
Have you heard the song.....'Always a Woman to Me', its by my new personal enemy number 1....Billy Joel. The song was recently covered by Fyfe Dangermouse (real name Dangerfield, but my version is better) on that John Lewis advert which followed this kid around until she was grown up....and yeah I cried, i'm not ashamed, that old woman looked just like my mum, like all mums in fact, and I. Love. Mums.
But if you give this song a listen, as I did on my hectic and tragic commute to work this morning, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, as not only was I being attacked left right and center by elbows, women, children, and fighter pilots, but by THE SONG RINGING IN MY EARS!
Because, if you give it a real listen, and listen closely, it's a big old yankee doodle FUCK YOU to women all over, any woman, me, you, your mum, your friends sister, her friends sister, your old teacher, the woman from the bakeshop, Kat Deely, Mother Teresa, basically, Billy Joel likes NONE of these people...
Allow me to enlighten you......with some lyrics;
She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' - Oh WOW! Who's been cutting you up Billy Joel???? Eh? Because if you've been getting the Dexter treatment, I'd tell someone, preferably the police, becasue USUALLY most women don't go around slicing up peeps whilst saying 'BAHAHAHAHA, LOOK! YOUR SPILLING BLOOD HOW HIGHFREAKINLARIOUS' No, usually your mum'll come along and be like, 'here's a plaster cherub, feel better *smooch*'.....so basically what we're looking at here is Billy Joel doesn't like mums, EXHIBIT 1!
She can do as she pleases, She's nobody's fool - I kind of wish this was true, I wish I COULD do as I pleases....i'd start smearing chocolate stains on skinny girls dresses as they walk down the street, i'd start telling my boss to 'GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN COFFEE' i'd start willing the weather with my mind to be miserable so that I don't have to feel bad about curling up in my bed like a fresh refugee every night whilst watching sad chick flicks....and then I wouldn't even feel guilty about it because.... I'M NOBODY'S FOOL, YEAH FOOLS, I PITY YO FOOL! Exhibit 2....Billy Joel doesn't like little girls either!
Now, I realise that these are METAPHORS, I did English Literature as well ya know, but come on, do woman really deserve this, I'd like to sit Billy Joel down, put on some Kelis and watch his face get all confundled too....or maybe I should make a song to the the tune of 'Always a Woman' except its MY turn....i'll call it 'He's Always a Man' and maybe it'll go something like this;
He doesn't notice my dress, but he'll still put his hand up there
He won't open the door and he'll swear if I step there
He thinks that he's smarter and better than me
He doesn't clean up after himself, yeah he's always a man to me
Ooooooooh and he gets paid more
If I do I'm a 'whore'
Even though we do the same jooooooooob
Ooooooh sometimes you burp in my face,
You ask me to taste, my god what's wrong with yoooooou
You don't have to wear make up
You don't have to wax
You don't have to wear girdles or take occaisonal smakcs
You don't cook meals for 6 then get asked for a take away
You get better with age, and you can put us in a cage.
Yeah, your always a man to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*and yes I do have daddy issues*
So Billy Joel, LAY OFF! I hope you just wrote this song in a fit of anger much like I wrote this blog....in which case ALL IS FORGIVEN.....especially as I just love all your other songs...
 |
| He's saying: 'Man Power' |
Because, if you give it a real listen, and listen closely, it's a big old yankee doodle FUCK YOU to women all over, any woman, me, you, your mum, your friends sister, her friends sister, your old teacher, the woman from the bakeshop, Kat Deely, Mother Teresa, basically, Billy Joel likes NONE of these people...
Allow me to enlighten you......with some lyrics;
She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' - Oh WOW! Who's been cutting you up Billy Joel???? Eh? Because if you've been getting the Dexter treatment, I'd tell someone, preferably the police, becasue USUALLY most women don't go around slicing up peeps whilst saying 'BAHAHAHAHA, LOOK! YOUR SPILLING BLOOD HOW HIGHFREAKINLARIOUS' No, usually your mum'll come along and be like, 'here's a plaster cherub, feel better *smooch*'.....so basically what we're looking at here is Billy Joel doesn't like mums, EXHIBIT 1!
She can do as she pleases, She's nobody's fool - I kind of wish this was true, I wish I COULD do as I pleases....i'd start smearing chocolate stains on skinny girls dresses as they walk down the street, i'd start telling my boss to 'GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN COFFEE' i'd start willing the weather with my mind to be miserable so that I don't have to feel bad about curling up in my bed like a fresh refugee every night whilst watching sad chick flicks....and then I wouldn't even feel guilty about it because.... I'M NOBODY'S FOOL, YEAH FOOLS, I PITY YO FOOL! Exhibit 2....Billy Joel doesn't like little girls either!
She can't be convicted. She's earned her degree - Maybe Billy Joel thinks we're superheros, becasue so far we can....cut people up, do what we want, and not even get into trouble for it, HAY GIRLS, we can't be convicted.....FANTASTIC! Lets raise hell, I'll get the paraffin, you get the matches.....but hay, Billy Joel.... WE CAN GET CONVICTED, I've got an aunt in the big house who'll vouch for that.... but she didn't have a degree..... maybe thats why.....Exhibit 3...Billy Joel hates lady criminals....and people with degrees.
And the most she will do Is throw shadows at you - Okay, its admissions time, I....from time to time....throw shadows at people, okay! Its not something i'm proud of, but occaisonally, when i'm in a room with someone, i'll get my shadow, and i'll just throw it at their head, they just never see it coming.....
He doesn't notice my dress, but he'll still put his hand up there
He won't open the door and he'll swear if I step there
He thinks that he's smarter and better than me
He doesn't clean up after himself, yeah he's always a man to me
Ooooooooh and he gets paid more
If I do I'm a 'whore'
Even though we do the same jooooooooob
Ooooooh sometimes you burp in my face,
You ask me to taste, my god what's wrong with yoooooou
You don't have to wear make up
You don't have to wax
You don't have to wear girdles or take occaisonal smakcs
You don't cook meals for 6 then get asked for a take away
You get better with age, and you can put us in a cage.
Yeah, your always a man to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*and yes I do have daddy issues*
So Billy Joel, LAY OFF! I hope you just wrote this song in a fit of anger much like I wrote this blog....in which case ALL IS FORGIVEN.....especially as I just love all your other songs...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Being Sad is really fun....sometimes
Nevertheless, I'm sad.
Now, being the rumbustious, tempestuous person I am, I actually am rarely sad, if i am its usually when I'm riding the crimson wave (which I'm not before you so RUDELY ask) or its when something happens.....something has happened by the way, but again i'm not telling.....needless to say, I have been partaking in things to cheer me old self up.....as there is no better excuse to be exquisitely selfish, than when you are sad.
Watching movies, lying on my front in bed, in completely shapeless clothes eating a shit tone of Nutella.....heaven
Shopping, especially when you can't afford it....delicious
Eating, standing up in the kitchen, right out of the tub/container/packet....unashamedly....sometimes with my hands.....ESPECIALLY when its cheddar cheese (old as fuck preferably) and Branston pickle.... I just rack those calories up.....I RACK EM UP!
Walking through the street with the saddest face I can muster, throw some Whitney into my eardrums, and cry in front of strangers.....this is the most dramatic thing I can do, and i LOVE it, the awkward attention it brings you, literally gives my heart little skippy beats, I pretend I'm in that sad part of any movie where the protagonist is getting lots of meaningful closeups and the voice over is saying....'Jennifer had never felt so alone, or so important......' - Please try this one, especially on public transport!
A lot is going on about weight right now I feel...... I. personally am over it. And much like the mosquito bites on my BUTTOCKS, nothing is gunna change soon. So, apart from listening to sad.fm i'm going to continue with my day, next on the list....
Watching cute puppy videos on youtube.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Me, Eva Mendes and the piglet pen....
So, when I tell you that I was in the press pen.... this IS true, its just that I wasn't necessarily 'press' per se....you see, I was on the leash of 'said friend Tam' who actually HAS a press pass....lucky dog....so whenst I rocked up to the 'Last Night' red carpet event.... late (as usual), I was met by three 'just out of college' girls, all with the 'Holy Justin Bieber who birthed this hot mess' Californian thang going on....who did not believe my story of 'well I don't have a press pass, but my friend does, she's already inside...' astonishingly enough....I had to repeatedly call tam until she begrudgingly left her spot in the piglet pen to let me in.....not a good start....and part of the reason we didn't get better footage....so.....sorry Tam!
Anywho, I get the feeling you just don't believe me, so in the tradition of 'HA HA HA LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE MUM' here is my video for the première of 'Last Night', a film with Keira Knightly (a.k.a most beautiful woman in the world) and Sam Worthington (that guy from Avatar). The film is about Keira and Sam being MARRIED and Keria is all up in Sam's grill because they go to this party and horror of all horrors Sam works with EVA FRIGGIN MENDES, and in case you didn't know, Eva Mendes is one HOT TAMALE! keira's all like....Your gunna SHAG her.....you are, don't try to deny it....i know you, we're married, and Sam does the whole 180 and is like 'woman, check yourself'.....then Sam and Hot Tamale go on a business trip & Keira's long lost love from long ago turns up....and kids....the shit hits the fan.... I'll leave the ending for you guys but.....its pretty predictable....I should say that this film is done with a lot more delicacy and grace than I have described here, and is poignant piece depicting traditional 'couple' problems in a modern and relatable way.....ANYWHO....here's the video of my time with the stars....look how they shine....so bright....lemme know what ya think!
Anywho, I get the feeling you just don't believe me, so in the tradition of 'HA HA HA LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE MUM' here is my video for the première of 'Last Night', a film with Keira Knightly (a.k.a most beautiful woman in the world) and Sam Worthington (that guy from Avatar). The film is about Keira and Sam being MARRIED and Keria is all up in Sam's grill because they go to this party and horror of all horrors Sam works with EVA FRIGGIN MENDES, and in case you didn't know, Eva Mendes is one HOT TAMALE! keira's all like....Your gunna SHAG her.....you are, don't try to deny it....i know you, we're married, and Sam does the whole 180 and is like 'woman, check yourself'.....then Sam and Hot Tamale go on a business trip & Keira's long lost love from long ago turns up....and kids....the shit hits the fan.... I'll leave the ending for you guys but.....its pretty predictable....I should say that this film is done with a lot more delicacy and grace than I have described here, and is poignant piece depicting traditional 'couple' problems in a modern and relatable way.....ANYWHO....here's the video of my time with the stars....look how they shine....so bright....lemme know what ya think!
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