When it's your best friends Birthday

Some of us have 1 best friend, some of us have many, some of us have... none. But let's not focus on that right now. When it's your best friends Birthday there is a lot of pressure to... write the best facebook post, give them the best present, sing happy birthday the loudest, do the most shots with them, stay out the latest and fend all of their other best friends off with a stick shouting... 'SHE IS MINE', just like Gaston did in Beauty & the Beast... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Here are the stages of getting older with yo bezzie;

1. You both grapple for the attention, no matter who's birthday it is

2. You will try to get each other as drunk as possible



3. Only 1 of you will win



4. Whoever is younger, will remind the other, incessantly



5. You experience palpitations about giving her your well thought out gift, because you know you're in for a world of pain if she don't like it



6. You will ruin all of her selfies



7. If anyone throws shade at her you will jump on them like a freight train



8. You do anything she asks of you, even if it means making out with a melon



9. At the end of the night, you will be the one holding her hair back



10. You continue to be the best friends ever

When boys go 'poof'

Since moving to London one of my main aims (apart from living fabulously and power dressing) was to date the HELL out of London. In doing so I can only say I have opened myself up to a world of hyper-ventilating, soul destroying back and forths that have left me in both pits of despair and moments of complete elation.

Having deconstructed the behavior of numerous beau's from POF & tinder along with my most trusted girlfriends there's a pattern we've all noticed, I call it the 'poof' effect. This is where you think everything is going great, you've gone on a few dates, had a few laughs, enjoyed each others beautifully crafted bodies and then...silence. The stages of this universally acknowledged love dance can be explained in the following stages.

The meet cute

I make it a rule never to send the first message as I'm of the age old belief I should be chased like a pony around a newly flourished field. So it's a rare occasion that I get a well crafted genuine message from a guy on some dating site. You start talking and SNAP you're hooked.And you are so damn excited you could give birth to a brood of puppies...

The first date

It goes great, you can feel the wilderness years start to melt away in the belief that, THIS IS HAPPENING, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! You tell all your friends about it, deconstruct every detail and just keep re-living that glorious first kiss that made you tingle all the way to your toes.

You hold back

As women we know we can't do the chasing, it's just not what our mothers taught us, so we wait. Anxiously looking at our phones waiting on the "I had a great time when can we meet up again" text that will inevitably come because you had a great time and there's no possible way he didn't too... right?

Let the good times roll

Romance, adoration, butterfly's, the stars seem brighter, food tastes sweeter, because GURL GOTTA DATE! This is when you're truly enjoying yourself, date 2, 3 maybe even 4. Sharing everything with each other, making plans and coming up with exciting dates you can sink your teeth into. You feel like it'll never end...

You do the nasty

There comes the inevitable moment that you want to enjoy that body, take him to bed and make him leave his manners at the door, there are many different theories on how long to hold out on this for... I've never been one to deny myself much so it happens when I want it to happen, no sooner, no later.

Then...

After a post coital cuddle and a few funny phrases back and forth you notice the texts are becoming a bit less frequent, but maybe he's just getting comfortable and feels he doesn't have to text you much... maybe...

Where's my text

After a day or so of waiting you're tearing your hair out waiting for this guy to text you, during this time you'll have a medley of thoughts run through your mind, turning you from a fully functioning member of society into a mad banshee who is consumed by the capability of a working mobile phone ...

"Maybe he's sick and can't get to the phone"

"Maybe his thumbs have fallen off making him incapable of texting me"

"He's gotten back with his ex and is done with me"

"He didn't like my hairy toes and thinks I'm a freakish hobbit lady"

"He lost his phone and forgot my name after getting into a fight defending my honour"

"He's dead, hit by a bus"

If I'm honest it's best to go with the theory he died, you desperately want to bombard him with texts or god even CALL him just to see if he's alive but...



And Mindy is never wrong...

You then go through the 5 stages of grief;

1. Denial

He'll text me eventually, of course he will, there's no reason for him not to, we had a great time, he's probably just busy - you say as your eyes burn a whole in your home screen, WILLING it to burst into a flurry of "sorry babe, haven't spoken in ages, when can i take you for a drink again"...

2. Anger

SCREW THAT MOTHER FLIPPIN NEEDLE DICK I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE BEING SINGLE IS SO MUCH EASIER ANYWAY

3. Bargaining

Okay maybe if I go to sleep on my left side like I did after our first date he'll text me...

4. Depression

I will never find love again

5. Acceptance

Pour yourself a drink, put your lipstick on and pull yourself together.You're never gunna hear from this guy again, and you'll never know why and its awful but you move on. In the words of tinder...

A lazy girls life hacks

In my 26 years I have managed to acquire some key life hacks that make the day a little shorter, life a little brighter and my purse a little lighter. Because sometimes, you need a little magic in your life to take the pain of everyday annoyances (like brushing your teeth) away.

Without further ado here a few quick fixes to some everyday irritations;

1. The quick fire roast dinner



So, you've promised your mum/siblings and extended family members a delicious meal on Sunday, because you need to butter them up after a particularly horrifying family gathering you embarrassed them all at. No problem right? No really, it's NO problem at all, because all you have to do is hot foot it down to the Supermarket, pick up a £5 rotisserie chicken, some Aunt Bessie's ready made roast potatoes and parsnips & some frozen peas... you're looking at a total of £8 and around 4 minutes preparation time (literally remove wrapping and place in oven) YOU'RE WELCOME GREAT BRITAIN!

2. Rapid hair hack



It's Wednesday, you can't be bothered to shower because..urgh, showering right?! Well don't worry because your greasy mop can quickly be turned into a beautiful mane of loveliness with just two things. Dry shampoo & Kirby grips. After a good spray, (and I mean a good heavy spray) and brush out, twirl your front bits (ya little curtain) into makeshift braid and pin just above your ears, you'll look adorable, no worries!

3.Stinky jean fix



Jeans humming? No time to wash them? No worries just shove them in the freezer for half an hour! N.B do not place them next to your ice tray...

4. I want everyone to hear ma new jam



You're in the park/living room/garden and you want everyone else to appreciate Beyonce's newest #1, easy, get a glass, put your phone in it, BOBS YOUR UNCLE FANNY'S YOUR AUNT you've got some home made speakers...

5. My wine is warm



...and I DON'T want to water it down with ice. No problem man, just put some grapes in the freezer and pop them into your wine glass once crispy & cold. You're welcome.

6. My face won't stop being all greasy



It's okay, just ask your friend who smokes for a rizla & dab it all over your greasy face. Those things absorb grease like its nobodies business. They're 20p a packet so well worth an investment. Available at all local convenience stores.

7. My phones about to DIE!!!


Just put it on airplane mode you crazy technology addict.

8. How do I create that cool ripped jean look?



Get yo self a cheese grater, and go WILD on those things! (Really great if you've just been dumped, pretend those jeans are his stupid, fugly face).

9. My trousers are too long



If you're not gifted with a needle, roll up the bottom of the legs so the outside of the fabric faces inside the hem and keep in place with some Kirby (hair) grips.

10. We've run out of plates



You know that white polystyrene thing that comes underneath the pizzas, which you may have accidentally cooked one time? YEAH! Well, once your pizzas are cooked just place right back on them, slice & dice and you've got yourself a big old plate ready to go, which you don't have to wash up afterwards.

11. Microwave for two

 

Think you can't fit two bowls in the microwave? Think again. All you need is a mug, balance one bowl on top of the mug with the other bowl by the side and you've got something beautiful coming your way.

12. Quick snack



All you need for this is a tub of Ben & Jerry's and a packet of giant cookies. Slice the tub B&J's with a bread knife and place each slice in between two cookies. You my friend have just enjoyed an ice cream sandwich.

13. Choosing an outfit in the morning



I have nothing to wear!!! I hear you scream whilst you throw all your clothes everywhere at 8a.m DON'T WORRY! Somewhere in there is the outfit of your dreams you just don't know how to style it yet. Go to pinterest, type in your specified outfit, i.e cute work outfit / cute date outfit / cute FREAKIN outfit and you'll find out how to turn a black t-shirt, culottes and dockers shoes into the look of a fashion bloggers dreams.

14. Fresh sheets



Someone kinda sexy is coming over, BUT YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASH YOUR SHEETS! Breathe. Get some talcum powder and liberally apply over your bedding. Top tip: get a classy brand of talc for extra classiness, I personally love Lush's dusting powders.

15. How to correctly open a banana



Prepare for your mind to be blown. You've been doing it wrong all these years...

If you've got a life hack you wanna share tweet me @sophiawho and we can totally be twitter buddies! Yay!

My Issues with Summer

It's so damn hot, and London is like a big glass dome magnifying the heat and frying us all like ants... I'll be honest and tell you I've always had issues with Summer, the long months in between school used to torture me as I sat by my window longing for something to do or the phone to ring, nowadays it's not much different, except I don't get a glorious 3 months off work... WHY of WHYEEEEE didn't I become a teacher?!?

I thought I'd break my issues out into a nice digestible list... complete with titles and gifs, because why not!

Boob jail

Now I'm not talking bra's in the general sense, but something that happens when I get particularly hot and am wearing a grey top, I'm talking boob SWEAT patches, right underneath those suckers so it looks like I've just gone torso first into a rectangle play pool... so gross, god damn you Summer!

Thigh burn

Now, anyone below a size 14 will probably have no concept of what I'm talking about, but I'm sure all the curvy ladies out there are humming a resounding AMEN SISTER! There are only 2 options for me in the summer when I want to go bare legged; skin colored tights or lashings of Vaseline, neither are ideal when you're paddling in the sea,,,especially the tights option.

Activities

Glastonbury, Wimbledon, T in the Park, Weddings, Bachelorettes, Holidays, City Breaks, BIRTHDAYS, Lovebox, Wireless... I could go on... Not an invitation to one, plus.. WHO CAN AFFORD THESE THINGS?!?

Swimsuits

I want to wear a bikini... but I know I probably shouldn't... Plus doing the stride of pride down the beach always ends up with some kind of body part being unwillingly exposed...

Summer workwear

No matter how many 'cute summer outfits' I look at on Pinterest, they all manage to look terrible on me, where is my oversized winter coat when I need it?!

Salads

I just want to eat soup and bread. Full stop.

Jumper withdrawal

My jumper collection is extensive and adorable and unwearable during the summer months... Fall can't come fast enough

But then I remember... Summer doesn't last forever

FEMINISM!

As I am currently watching the EVER amazing homage to Feminism in the 80's '9 to 5' I suddenly feel COMPELLED to write about my favourite subject...female empowerment and the feminist revolution. I am constantly amazed and astounded by my feminist compatriots;  Germaine Greer, Caitlyn Moran, The Suffragettes, Nora Effron and even Dolly Parton. I cannot FATHOM how brave these women were to stand up at the HEIGHT of the patriarchy and call BULLSHIT ON THE BULLSHIT!

I am AMAZED by women.

Women, are brave, fierce warriors who look on bigots, and are never shaken...am I the only person who's recently stood up and said FUCK YEAH FEMINISM! Granted, we've come a long way from the 80's, NAY, even the 20'S! And I just want to say THANK YOU ladies of the past, thanks for being brave enough to say, we're not gunna take this bullshit, we are meant for more than the home, more than the ironing, more than thanklessly slaving over a stove for husband and kin, we are STUPENDOUS!

It;s Jane Fonda's words that RING in my ears when she tells her misogynistic boss; 'You're a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot .. a wart on the nose of humanity and I'm gunna blow it off'... I mean snaps for sass there sister!

NOT THAT I'M A MAN HATER! I love men, I've met some amazing men, (mostly gay ones) but nevertheless amazing, but I've also had my fair share of bullshit...I've been felt up by my boss, lamented by twerps who would rant of their 30+ women whilst sharing a bed with me...but it doesn't make me put them all into one big mesh of 'man' that I judge them all by...so it shouldn't work that way with women either...

I believe that if we let the women get to work on some issues, we could clear up...we could kick ass, I WANT A FEMALE PRIME MINISTER, I want a female president (all hail Hilary Clinton), I want more female CEO's and more skirts in the board rooms... I want Beyonce's anthem to ring true...

WHO RUN THE WORLD....

Being Unemployed

There are many stigmas related to being unemployed...some say YOU'RE A BIG FAT FAILURE...some say...you're taking some time to rediscover yourself, some say ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ya  just CANNOT be bothered any more, but having been unemployed for almost three months I can now say, most of the time, I'm either watching movies/porn/TV shows/reading blogs or a mixture of all four.

Now, obviously, after only THREE MONTHS I'm no expert, but it's not exactly the first time I've been unemployed...and these are just a few things I've found have stood out about the experience;

a) SIGNING ON, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the moment you walk into that job centre, you sit there and are basically accused of 'CHEATING THE SYSTEM' from the word go...also...everyone seems to think you have kids. The amount of times I've had to desperately plead 'I DON'T HAVE ANY HIDDEN GOLD' just doesn't seem to get through and I'm curiously appraised up and down with that disparaging look of 'what went wrong here'? The truth of the matter is, signing on isn't fun.

b) Applying to jobs; a.k.a THE DEATHLY SILENCE.

c) Interviews; Everyone knows interviews are awful, no right minded British person wants to get up on stage and say how brilliant they are (bar politicians, and who trusts them! Eh? EH?) But you have to, you have to 'talk through your CV' (whatever that means) and say what your strengths & weaknesses are (going through a pint of ben & jerry's in under a minute & being attracted to cruel men if you're interested). And I HATE myself after EVERY interview  because I come across as the fakeyest person in all the land! I put on my 'pretend to be Sophie Dahl' face and none of those managers get to see the real me...thank god though as I don't think anyones going to be impressed by someone who does Zooey Deschanel impressions. *By the by doesn't everyone want to BE her?....another conversation perhaps*

d) Bed; My life is spent in bed now. My bed is sectionalised into an office/table/confectionery/cinema/sleepy place and occasional kitchen (my new concoction is galaxy pieces with peanut butter) YUM! *As a side note I should mention I've put on over a stone since being unemployed, which is weird considering I Can't even afford melba toast!

e) Hobby's; I did that 'thing' whereby I told myself, I'VE GOT ALL THIS FREE TIME LET'S LEARN. So I thought about reading all the classics, like Pride & Prejudice & Anna Karenina, or learning French Italian/Spanish...but all I've ended up with is late return fees at the library and an untouched box set of French lessons. I have however grown a STRONG dependency on Wes Anderson movies, which is just as educational...

f) The hard bit; The hard bit is a mixture of the two things I can never bear to talk about, a.k.a. real shit...which is an amalgamation of money & loneliness. As your friends eventually grow up and you stay stagnant, stuck between living with your parents and drinking alone, it becomes increasingly difficult to relate. Also, money. Money means you can't necessarily afford to go out this week, and when everyone else is, that can be a tricky situation. It can also mean in some of the 'worse' situations, like when you get bailiffs banging at your door, or being blacklisted or just having nothing left of your overdraft when you REALLY WANT A NEW DRESS! But this can all be cured by sticking your ore in, facing up to those blackbirds and curing you of your adolescence. (Hasn't happened yet but here's hoping)!

g) Your Facebook wall; This can be the WORST part of your day, (occasionally the best when you get a notification however). A good friend once told me that people are now PRing their own lives, which I think is unavoidable nowadays anyway, by god I've done it myself. Unfortunately there's nothing worse than seeing other people doing incredibly well whilst your life goes irrevocably down the toilet. But the best thing to do is wish those people well (whilst holding up a proud middle finger to your computer screen) because karma comes back to you, being bitter isn't healthy, and deep down I know they got there through hard work, dedication... and there's a reason they're my friends...because they're awesome!

Overall, everyone at some point or another is going to be unemployed, so even if you're all alone in it right now, we're all together in it really. Sometimes I take comfort in that...

RELOCATION STATION

So I am back from New York, and once again in the cushy softness of home....and what a relief it is! What can I tell you about my year in New York...well...basically...it was aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright, okay, bit stressful, bit....nerve wrecking....there were many times I cried into a bag of Oreos....but then again, there were also times when tramps stole my shoes...so...all in all it worked out for the best!

However other than it being all right I am glad to be back...so glad to be back in fact that I will not be partaking in any international learning exchanges for quite some time...perhaps....forever. Because...well...it's really nice to be around people who are a) aware of my existence and b) don't think I'm a total nit wit! Old friends who forgive me my trespasses, dogs that will fart on me then lick my face, mums that will emotionally blackmail me into tidying my room, brothers who smoke all my cigarettes, pubs that serve luke warm wine, a double bed so soft feathers dissolve into it...shops that sell dresses for a pound...FISHANDCIPSCURRYCHINESEROASTDINNERSCUPSOFTEA and the prettiest money I ever did see! Yes, Britain has my heart, and unfortunately no Yank wanted to steal it....wimper....

But what did I leave behind? What memories/adventures/lovers/friends/experiences or felonies are left in remembrance of me in the all great N.Y.C....well...there was definitely a very dirty room, as instead of packing and making sure everything was in order for that all important 7AM flight home....I went out (for once) for a last hooorah! And instead of cleaning away my things (leftover food, dirty pants, toothbrushes etc) I just threw what was left of my wardrobe into two EXTREMELY heavy bags and legged it to the airport...so whomever is to open the illustrious bottom chest of drawers is in for a fearful sight...I believe the poor lads name is Sri...so Sri, I am sorry... I am so, so very sorry! So what I left behind in New York, was no string of broken hearts or great lasting friendships, but a shit ton of gone off tootsie rolls & yum yums slowly festering in the bottom drawer of a dingey student flat....But don't worry, the woman's baby sat next to me on the plane threw up on my lap just after take off....so I have been suitably punished...I hope!

Now, one person who thinks i did 'simply marvellously dear' is my dear old mum, who, in a moment of sheer madness....has written to the local paper under the heading 'WELSH GIRL DONE GOOD'....now, it is not as if welsh people don't go out there and do pretty amazing things...I know people from my school who are working in magazines...and starting their own businesses...and....head of Barclays bank, so the fact that my mum thinks the local paper will be interested to know that Oprah came into my work...or... that I waved lamely at Robert De Niro, seems ridiculous, unfortunately...it is not, and today I had a photographer in my kitchen, making me hold up a phone & laptop looking 'busines like'...and this will soon be in print...and...its just too much...

Now, what I take with me from New York...is a torturous facebook homepage, as now, all I have to look forward to is reading the status updates of around 150 people, who are;
a) Still in New York with jobs and a blooming career
b)Travelling America with a new bunch of best friends having the trip of a lifetime
c)Moving back to England with a bludgeoning bunch of friends to well paid jobs in fascinating sectors
d)oh just...kill me now
There is something so awful about getting the feeling you may have missed out on something....and then getting it backed up by around...150 people...BUT ALL IS NOT LOST!

I am living the Bridget dream....I am moving in (with my very own Tom) to a flat in London, whereby I have somehow convinced someone to give me a job...a real job...a job that doesn't require me to to pick & hang up a telephone whilst watching movies at my desk, but actually...work...I. am. terrified. So terrified in fact that I have desperately been trying to ask people from New York how to do this job... unfortunately, the phone is left unanswered.... I really should have made a better impression... I realise whilst I write this I sound INCREDIBLY ungrateful for my time away, I do know how incredibly lucky I was to have been there....but....it was HARD! Going over alone and having to try and make friends all over again...I just wasn't up for the challenge and therefore spent most the time in my room thinking everyone thought I was an arsehole....maybe I am an arsehole...I just don't know....and now that I'm home...I just don't care! One thing I have learned about my time away is...I may in fact...be an enormous arsehole.

But being an arsehole has its perks and I am excited to get London life started...I'm thinking...Queen, cream tea, cricket, double decker buses, crumpets, Earls, stately homes, how's your father, apples and pears, markets, pubs, clubs, rowing, rioting, haw hawing, guffawing, raining, sailing, sun bathing, walking, Prince Harry, Kate Middleton...PIPPA Middletone, Vanessa Feltz, Russell Brand, Cockneys, Toffs and Jocks and BLOODY HELL LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Get ready readers (mum) as roundasarubens is off to Landan Taaaaaan....I'm gunna get my Winehouse on (god rest her soul) and really try this time...well...we'll see...