Today is my birthday, and apart from the 65 facebook messages, 4 emails, 3 cards, 1 package from my mother, and cake I am feeling pretty special, birthdays are a cause for you to be the only person in the world, and coincidentally, my birthday is my favorite day in the year, its always hot, sunny & full of my favorite people....except when I sabotage all my friendships, alienate my family & get drunk alone.....wait.....what am I saying, birthdays are bloody awful!
Allow me to enlighten you to some of my 'best' birthdays;
Lets start with my sixth Birthday; Best friend of the time was 'Eve', lovely girl, the theme was 'Princess Dress Up', I chose this theme as I had recently purchased a 'Jasmine' costume....you remember princess Jasmine right, from Aladdin, never mind that I'm a whiter shade of pale, I wanted to be Jasmine, and wear a bright turquoise tank top & harem pants.....honestly WHAT was I thinking.....by the age of six I was already the size of a tank.....so my bludgeoning tummy in all the family photo's is something that we all enjoy looking back on in my family.....'look at that tummy' my nan always says with dismay....also followed by...'when are you going to lose some weight eh?'....anywho I'm getting off track....so at the ripe old age of six I found myself 2 years into my parents divorce, and I was more than usually excited as my father had said he was coming for a visit.....literally I was peeing myself with excitement, so much so that I had told all my friends my father was Pavarotti and he was going to come sing at my birthday, I even told my teachers...so everyone had very high expectations...now my dad IS an opera singer, but alas, not Pavarotti, so everyone at my birthday was PRET-TY excited to meet Pavarotti.....now around the time that the cake came out everyone was getting a tad antsy....'Where is this Pavarotti?' I heard this bitch 'Stacey' utter under her breath.....all I could think was...he's coming, he's coming....so instead of blowing my candles out I ran to the piano in our front room, and climbed on top of it to see if daddy dearest was around the corner, becasue who else is going to sing happy birthday to me right? At which point my poor mum comes in, with the SADDEST LOOK ON HER FACE... we all know sad mum face is the worst kind of face you could EVER see....so I knew the news wasn't good....turns out Dad couldn't even call to tell me he was knee deep in new woman fanny and wasn't gunna make it....so apart from being labeled a 'liar' for the rest of my school life, that birthday was a real memory maker!
Lets fast forward...
My 12th birthday, best friend at the time was; Keri Ann Stroud (hilarious girl if not a tad heavy handed...I say this because her greatest joy was to push me over and laugh as I struggled like a turtle on the floor) my theme this year was a 'Roller Disco Party'....don't ask me why, I had already broken my Coccyx from roller skating around my garden....but it was the trend of the time so lets go with it... I was IN LOVE with a Mr Seren Averies and after breaking up & getting back together again over the past couple of months I thought my birthday was the perfect time to make. love. happen....so Seren came over and being the 'girl' I am, I ran, blushing into my bathroom to hide, with all my girlfriends giggling outside the door Seren asked to come in....I was HYPERVENTILATING with excitement at this point, so intrepidly....I opened the door....in he came and we had some sort of awkward 'tween' conversation in which he asked me to 'go out' with him....of course I said yes, and it was looking like the best birthday ever....now, did I mention that I had turned the shower on during this time....so that no one could hear us talking, yeah....well remember that bit....so I go to my roller disco party, have a grand old time....but notice quite a bit of whispering as I blow out my candles....when I get back to school come Monday, there's a delightful rumor spreading around, that SEREN AND I HAD SEX IN MY BATHTUB!!! I mean really? Seriously? I get we lived in a new age, but COME ON KIDS! So this birthday I was now a liar (from previous birthday so all denial was quickly ignored) and TWO I was a loose woman, a label which seriously deterred me in EVER getting a boyfriend again. Oh. And Seren broke up with me pretty quickly after that too.....
Well even more joy came when I was older & wiser....
17th Birthday, best friend of the time was still 'Keri Ann Stroud' (big up the Stroud) and I'd decided as my parents were away....to have a house party....a BIG house party....I invited everyone in my school, (including the rugby team as my new crush o the year was David Moseley...a HOT rugby player). I had tidied my house, rang my mother and told her not to worry...and was all set to get as drunk as humanely possible so I could deal with 'being the hostess'. I had told everyone the party was to begin at 7PM, and as I sat there in my party dress, alone, with a glass of stolen parental wine, I awaited the doorbell to ring.... and waited....and suddenly it was 8PM and I was already crying...not 1 text, not 1 call, and NO ONE had turned up....as i rolled into despair with the age old words of 'I HAVE NO FRIENDS I AM ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY, WAHHHHHHHHHHH' I got the call.
Everyone was at the pub, everyone, no one had thought to invite me as...you know why would you....but they were all drunk and needed a place to carry on the party, so the pub was coming over to my house, I cannot tell you the mix of excitement & fear that I felt. Needless to say, my windows got smashed, my bathtub got filled with melted Ben & Jerry's, I watched as my crush made out with another girl....my fence got pulled down, and my brothers room got hot boxed....not to mention my poor family dog shat its self in the front room....but I got 'cool' status for around 2 days in school, which was worth it....I told my mum that a mad pigeon had gotten into the house and smashed it up. She believed me.
Now there were MANY more awful birthdays that I had, one in which I was told I was having a surprise birthday then fell out with everyone so it got canceled, one which I played Quazar and pissed my self in front of everyone....oh just so many happy memories...which bring me to this one....
Lucky number 23.
Now, I don't know how this birthday will end out, but I'm pretty sure my best friend has forgot, (SVEN ITS 10 AM AND STILL NO MESSAGE) and my 'would be' best friend has now found a new best friend with which she spends all her time....but it hasn't been all bad so far, 3 cards, copious amounts of facebook well wishers and the promise of a surprise from both work friends and friend friends....maybe this birthday will change my bad luck cycle...maybe it won't, all i can say is, if you have a bad birthday, don't sweat it, you have another 365 days to drink away the memories, I recommend vodka....lots of it!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Hay Billy Joel....F*%$ You!
Have you heard the song.....'Always a Woman to Me', its by my new personal enemy number 1....Billy Joel. The song was recently covered by Fyfe Dangermouse (real name Dangerfield, but my version is better) on that John Lewis advert which followed this kid around until she was grown up....and yeah I cried, i'm not ashamed, that old woman looked just like my mum, like all mums in fact, and I. Love. Mums.
But if you give this song a listen, as I did on my hectic and tragic commute to work this morning, I found myself getting angrier and angrier, as not only was I being attacked left right and center by elbows, women, children, and fighter pilots, but by THE SONG RINGING IN MY EARS!
Because, if you give it a real listen, and listen closely, it's a big old yankee doodle FUCK YOU to women all over, any woman, me, you, your mum, your friends sister, her friends sister, your old teacher, the woman from the bakeshop, Kat Deely, Mother Teresa, basically, Billy Joel likes NONE of these people...
Allow me to enlighten you......with some lyrics;
She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' - Oh WOW! Who's been cutting you up Billy Joel???? Eh? Because if you've been getting the Dexter treatment, I'd tell someone, preferably the police, becasue USUALLY most women don't go around slicing up peeps whilst saying 'BAHAHAHAHA, LOOK! YOUR SPILLING BLOOD HOW HIGHFREAKINLARIOUS' No, usually your mum'll come along and be like, 'here's a plaster cherub, feel better *smooch*'.....so basically what we're looking at here is Billy Joel doesn't like mums, EXHIBIT 1!
She can do as she pleases, She's nobody's fool - I kind of wish this was true, I wish I COULD do as I pleases....i'd start smearing chocolate stains on skinny girls dresses as they walk down the street, i'd start telling my boss to 'GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN COFFEE' i'd start willing the weather with my mind to be miserable so that I don't have to feel bad about curling up in my bed like a fresh refugee every night whilst watching sad chick flicks....and then I wouldn't even feel guilty about it because.... I'M NOBODY'S FOOL, YEAH FOOLS, I PITY YO FOOL! Exhibit 2....Billy Joel doesn't like little girls either!
Now, I realise that these are METAPHORS, I did English Literature as well ya know, but come on, do woman really deserve this, I'd like to sit Billy Joel down, put on some Kelis and watch his face get all confundled too....or maybe I should make a song to the the tune of 'Always a Woman' except its MY turn....i'll call it 'He's Always a Man' and maybe it'll go something like this;
He doesn't notice my dress, but he'll still put his hand up there
He won't open the door and he'll swear if I step there
He thinks that he's smarter and better than me
He doesn't clean up after himself, yeah he's always a man to me
Ooooooooh and he gets paid more
If I do I'm a 'whore'
Even though we do the same jooooooooob
Ooooooh sometimes you burp in my face,
You ask me to taste, my god what's wrong with yoooooou
You don't have to wear make up
You don't have to wax
You don't have to wear girdles or take occaisonal smakcs
You don't cook meals for 6 then get asked for a take away
You get better with age, and you can put us in a cage.
Yeah, your always a man to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*and yes I do have daddy issues*
So Billy Joel, LAY OFF! I hope you just wrote this song in a fit of anger much like I wrote this blog....in which case ALL IS FORGIVEN.....especially as I just love all your other songs...
 |
| He's saying: 'Man Power' |
Because, if you give it a real listen, and listen closely, it's a big old yankee doodle FUCK YOU to women all over, any woman, me, you, your mum, your friends sister, her friends sister, your old teacher, the woman from the bakeshop, Kat Deely, Mother Teresa, basically, Billy Joel likes NONE of these people...
Allow me to enlighten you......with some lyrics;
She'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleedin' - Oh WOW! Who's been cutting you up Billy Joel???? Eh? Because if you've been getting the Dexter treatment, I'd tell someone, preferably the police, becasue USUALLY most women don't go around slicing up peeps whilst saying 'BAHAHAHAHA, LOOK! YOUR SPILLING BLOOD HOW HIGHFREAKINLARIOUS' No, usually your mum'll come along and be like, 'here's a plaster cherub, feel better *smooch*'.....so basically what we're looking at here is Billy Joel doesn't like mums, EXHIBIT 1!
She can do as she pleases, She's nobody's fool - I kind of wish this was true, I wish I COULD do as I pleases....i'd start smearing chocolate stains on skinny girls dresses as they walk down the street, i'd start telling my boss to 'GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN COFFEE' i'd start willing the weather with my mind to be miserable so that I don't have to feel bad about curling up in my bed like a fresh refugee every night whilst watching sad chick flicks....and then I wouldn't even feel guilty about it because.... I'M NOBODY'S FOOL, YEAH FOOLS, I PITY YO FOOL! Exhibit 2....Billy Joel doesn't like little girls either!
She can't be convicted. She's earned her degree - Maybe Billy Joel thinks we're superheros, becasue so far we can....cut people up, do what we want, and not even get into trouble for it, HAY GIRLS, we can't be convicted.....FANTASTIC! Lets raise hell, I'll get the paraffin, you get the matches.....but hay, Billy Joel.... WE CAN GET CONVICTED, I've got an aunt in the big house who'll vouch for that.... but she didn't have a degree..... maybe thats why.....Exhibit 3...Billy Joel hates lady criminals....and people with degrees.
And the most she will do Is throw shadows at you - Okay, its admissions time, I....from time to time....throw shadows at people, okay! Its not something i'm proud of, but occaisonally, when i'm in a room with someone, i'll get my shadow, and i'll just throw it at their head, they just never see it coming.....
He doesn't notice my dress, but he'll still put his hand up there
He won't open the door and he'll swear if I step there
He thinks that he's smarter and better than me
He doesn't clean up after himself, yeah he's always a man to me
Ooooooooh and he gets paid more
If I do I'm a 'whore'
Even though we do the same jooooooooob
Ooooooh sometimes you burp in my face,
You ask me to taste, my god what's wrong with yoooooou
You don't have to wear make up
You don't have to wax
You don't have to wear girdles or take occaisonal smakcs
You don't cook meals for 6 then get asked for a take away
You get better with age, and you can put us in a cage.
Yeah, your always a man to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*and yes I do have daddy issues*
So Billy Joel, LAY OFF! I hope you just wrote this song in a fit of anger much like I wrote this blog....in which case ALL IS FORGIVEN.....especially as I just love all your other songs...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Being Sad is really fun....sometimes
Nevertheless, I'm sad.
Now, being the rumbustious, tempestuous person I am, I actually am rarely sad, if i am its usually when I'm riding the crimson wave (which I'm not before you so RUDELY ask) or its when something happens.....something has happened by the way, but again i'm not telling.....needless to say, I have been partaking in things to cheer me old self up.....as there is no better excuse to be exquisitely selfish, than when you are sad.
Watching movies, lying on my front in bed, in completely shapeless clothes eating a shit tone of Nutella.....heaven
Shopping, especially when you can't afford it....delicious
Eating, standing up in the kitchen, right out of the tub/container/packet....unashamedly....sometimes with my hands.....ESPECIALLY when its cheddar cheese (old as fuck preferably) and Branston pickle.... I just rack those calories up.....I RACK EM UP!
Walking through the street with the saddest face I can muster, throw some Whitney into my eardrums, and cry in front of strangers.....this is the most dramatic thing I can do, and i LOVE it, the awkward attention it brings you, literally gives my heart little skippy beats, I pretend I'm in that sad part of any movie where the protagonist is getting lots of meaningful closeups and the voice over is saying....'Jennifer had never felt so alone, or so important......' - Please try this one, especially on public transport!
A lot is going on about weight right now I feel...... I. personally am over it. And much like the mosquito bites on my BUTTOCKS, nothing is gunna change soon. So, apart from listening to sad.fm i'm going to continue with my day, next on the list....
Watching cute puppy videos on youtube.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Me, Eva Mendes and the piglet pen....
So, when I tell you that I was in the press pen.... this IS true, its just that I wasn't necessarily 'press' per se....you see, I was on the leash of 'said friend Tam' who actually HAS a press pass....lucky dog....so whenst I rocked up to the 'Last Night' red carpet event.... late (as usual), I was met by three 'just out of college' girls, all with the 'Holy Justin Bieber who birthed this hot mess' Californian thang going on....who did not believe my story of 'well I don't have a press pass, but my friend does, she's already inside...' astonishingly enough....I had to repeatedly call tam until she begrudgingly left her spot in the piglet pen to let me in.....not a good start....and part of the reason we didn't get better footage....so.....sorry Tam!
Anywho, I get the feeling you just don't believe me, so in the tradition of 'HA HA HA LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE MUM' here is my video for the première of 'Last Night', a film with Keira Knightly (a.k.a most beautiful woman in the world) and Sam Worthington (that guy from Avatar). The film is about Keira and Sam being MARRIED and Keria is all up in Sam's grill because they go to this party and horror of all horrors Sam works with EVA FRIGGIN MENDES, and in case you didn't know, Eva Mendes is one HOT TAMALE! keira's all like....Your gunna SHAG her.....you are, don't try to deny it....i know you, we're married, and Sam does the whole 180 and is like 'woman, check yourself'.....then Sam and Hot Tamale go on a business trip & Keira's long lost love from long ago turns up....and kids....the shit hits the fan.... I'll leave the ending for you guys but.....its pretty predictable....I should say that this film is done with a lot more delicacy and grace than I have described here, and is poignant piece depicting traditional 'couple' problems in a modern and relatable way.....ANYWHO....here's the video of my time with the stars....look how they shine....so bright....lemme know what ya think!
Anywho, I get the feeling you just don't believe me, so in the tradition of 'HA HA HA LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE MUM' here is my video for the première of 'Last Night', a film with Keira Knightly (a.k.a most beautiful woman in the world) and Sam Worthington (that guy from Avatar). The film is about Keira and Sam being MARRIED and Keria is all up in Sam's grill because they go to this party and horror of all horrors Sam works with EVA FRIGGIN MENDES, and in case you didn't know, Eva Mendes is one HOT TAMALE! keira's all like....Your gunna SHAG her.....you are, don't try to deny it....i know you, we're married, and Sam does the whole 180 and is like 'woman, check yourself'.....then Sam and Hot Tamale go on a business trip & Keira's long lost love from long ago turns up....and kids....the shit hits the fan.... I'll leave the ending for you guys but.....its pretty predictable....I should say that this film is done with a lot more delicacy and grace than I have described here, and is poignant piece depicting traditional 'couple' problems in a modern and relatable way.....ANYWHO....here's the video of my time with the stars....look how they shine....so bright....lemme know what ya think!
The trouble with spelling is.....
I should tell you that it has taken me 1000 GO'S to spell 'Tribeca' right....I mean seriously, you would have thought (working there everyday) that one would know how to spell it, but no, not me, it's the age old question of one or two c's.....ITS JUST LIKE THE E BEFORE THE I .....or the I before the E.....people with English degrees....nay..... English GCSE's are flabbergasted at my atrocious spelling and misuse of grammer (my god I just spelt grammar wrong)....which is why most of the people with blogs DID an English degree or an A-Level or something of the like....I did not. Nope. I got to English AS Level read 'The Bell Jar' and quit... it was NOT for me.....I will never understand words like........experiential....or ..... purporting.....
Anywho....the reason I bring up Tribeca...is because OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!! I went to the 'Tribeca Film Festival', nay, not JUST the film festival but the RED CARPET and I filmed it.....YES...filmed it! For my 'journalist' friend (Tamsin Holleran, works for Joonbug and has a very lovely blog; 'www.tamsinholleran.weebly.com' which I thoroughly recommend), right shameless promo over back to business.....YES filmed all sorts of 'celebs'.....ummmmmm...Robert De Niro walked past me......and i spoke to his kids.... they were darling, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Ryan Phillippe, Eva Mendes (she touched my arm), Scott Adsit (30 rock if you didn't know already), Will Ferrell (just walked past) ummmmm KINGS OF LEON (did an interview with one of their dads)......so yes....is anyone impressed yet....no......hmmmmm I know why, it's because I have no proof, well allow me to change all that as I HAVE VIDEOS!!!! Which I will upload in the following blogs....
But before all that allow me to let you in to the secret world of 'press'.....it is as dull as shit.....for the most part, then it gets very exciting and you get all giddy on something called 'adrenalin', and things. get. bitchy.
First of all you are all crammed into a pen (much like little piglets) in RANK order, which meant that we were always at the end (except for one time whereby I lied and said we were with the New York Times....I got in trouble for that....) then you stand around for a bit.....then a bit more......then a bit more after that till your cankles hurt, but THEN celebrities start to arrive.....I cannot quite describe how exciting it is to SEE an actual celebrity....I can completely relate to all those screaming 'Beiber' or 'RPatz' fans, bacause when I saw celebs the only question I could let fall out of my ever gaping gob was...'hub uh de WHO ARE YOU WEARING????'....which is considered 'low brow' journalism...and I got a LOT of stinkeye in that piglet pen...I can tell you....well, maybe hard hitting journalism isn't for me....
But overall, I loved my time with the high flyers....here's a little tit bit though...Eva Mendes wears A LOT of make-up, and all those women who we look at in magazines and are agog at with jealousy, well, all I can tell you is, I saw a lot of bruises on legs, blemishes, spots, misplaced eyelashes and wrinkles.... I mean none of them were FAT unfortunately (which I was really hoping some of them would be) but all I can say is, girls...and metrosexual boys, don't worry, not even famous people are perfect....but it would be nice to have a few more chubby ones....
Do stay tuned for my videos edited and filmed by yours truly!
 |
| From Left Tamsin Holeran, Me and Hollie Jones at Tribeca Film Festival |
But before all that allow me to let you in to the secret world of 'press'.....it is as dull as shit.....for the most part, then it gets very exciting and you get all giddy on something called 'adrenalin', and things. get. bitchy.
First of all you are all crammed into a pen (much like little piglets) in RANK order, which meant that we were always at the end (except for one time whereby I lied and said we were with the New York Times....I got in trouble for that....) then you stand around for a bit.....then a bit more......then a bit more after that till your cankles hurt, but THEN celebrities start to arrive.....I cannot quite describe how exciting it is to SEE an actual celebrity....I can completely relate to all those screaming 'Beiber' or 'RPatz' fans, bacause when I saw celebs the only question I could let fall out of my ever gaping gob was...'hub uh de WHO ARE YOU WEARING????'....which is considered 'low brow' journalism...and I got a LOT of stinkeye in that piglet pen...I can tell you....well, maybe hard hitting journalism isn't for me....
But overall, I loved my time with the high flyers....here's a little tit bit though...Eva Mendes wears A LOT of make-up, and all those women who we look at in magazines and are agog at with jealousy, well, all I can tell you is, I saw a lot of bruises on legs, blemishes, spots, misplaced eyelashes and wrinkles.... I mean none of them were FAT unfortunately (which I was really hoping some of them would be) but all I can say is, girls...and metrosexual boys, don't worry, not even famous people are perfect....but it would be nice to have a few more chubby ones....
Do stay tuned for my videos edited and filmed by yours truly!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Popular....I wanna be popUlarrrrrrrr
Popularity...... the word alone strikes FEAR into my heart, since about 3 years old I have held the meaning of that word up for negotiation...and recently it has been playing on my mind...
What IS this popularity thing which makes me question everything about my self; whether or not I should be texting people or they should be texting me, is staying in alone with my laptop and a tub of haagen daaz a signifier of loneliness or laziness.....
Through the years popularity has been enforced as the person most popular in school, has lots of friends, is invited to countless parties and is wildly attracted and pursued the most by the opposite sex...
How has this related to me i hear you gasp in reverie.....well.....not....... a lot;
I started my run for popular in primary school whereby i would do the 'hands behind your back someones feeling me up pose' whilst singing 'in the jungle' at the top of my voice, encouraging many of the students to watch in horror/fascination/laughter etc etc to provoke my notoriety as a trait of pure bravery.....this however led to some all be it deserved teasing and slight alienation from most of the normal kids in school...
Not until what I can safely describe as my best friend came along....
Towards the most difficult years of school (the 2 years in primary school before you go to middle school), a girl arrived completely dusted with coolness, as she not only was the new tallest girl in school but loved football, came from a foreign land of spices and golden beaches, and was utterly confident in everyway. By some miracle this girl came to take me under her wing and invited me into a world I hadn't been before, just through sharing laughter and my extra packed of smokey bacon crisps (i used to try buy peoples love with condiments...still hasn't changed), she did and has from now on, taken me into her circles and helped me be the loud, alcoholic nerd I am today.
This continued through secondary school and although in the early years experienced a little bullying problem, (one would be the 1st girl in school to start her period and sprout enormous breasts).... but it all worked out in the end, and by the end of secondary school I had an award (in the yearbook don't tcha know) as the funniest girl in school, honestly, probably my PROUDEST MOMENT!! (even though i am aware no1 actually votes for these things and i did bribe the head boy at the time....)I left secondary school happy, confident, and semi -secure onto a gap year, which ended up just being a big old waste of time....as they almost always are.....
Then came university, and I was immediately swept up into a dizzying world of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, University was when i truly discovered the depths of my party girl nature, clubbing 5 times a week, missing lectures and having hangover lunches way out of my price league.... i wouldn't say i was popular in university by any means but i had no enemy's which was a delightful change from school.... grrrrrrr I'll never forget that fight in the schoolyard with Rachel Whatserface......we just kept kicking eachother....it was weird....
Now i'm living in New York, (what's she complaining about I hear the 2 people who read this mutter) but SERIOUSLY its worse than primary school.... I seem to find myself constantly putting myself out there, pathetically screaming 'LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO' over a crowd of over confident individuals who actually have real credentials and great chat to back up their 'great & interesting' personalities.... I more often than not retreat to my shared room praying no-one comes in to find me gorging on a pack of dairy milk my mum sent me in a care package...
The truth is i still SO want to be popular but lack that care free attitude i used to exude as a child....now there is too much at stake, how can i embarrass myself when a potential shag might be in the room.... or say the wrong thing which could be seen as racist/sexist/ageist/xenophobic or worse.... unintelligent....
As i see old friends making new friends and my new friends making more friends I wonder.... Does everyone feel the same?
What IS this popularity thing which makes me question everything about my self; whether or not I should be texting people or they should be texting me, is staying in alone with my laptop and a tub of haagen daaz a signifier of loneliness or laziness.....
Through the years popularity has been enforced as the person most popular in school, has lots of friends, is invited to countless parties and is wildly attracted and pursued the most by the opposite sex...
How has this related to me i hear you gasp in reverie.....well.....not....... a lot;
I started my run for popular in primary school whereby i would do the 'hands behind your back someones feeling me up pose' whilst singing 'in the jungle' at the top of my voice, encouraging many of the students to watch in horror/fascination/laughter etc etc to provoke my notoriety as a trait of pure bravery.....this however led to some all be it deserved teasing and slight alienation from most of the normal kids in school...
Not until what I can safely describe as my best friend came along....
Towards the most difficult years of school (the 2 years in primary school before you go to middle school), a girl arrived completely dusted with coolness, as she not only was the new tallest girl in school but loved football, came from a foreign land of spices and golden beaches, and was utterly confident in everyway. By some miracle this girl came to take me under her wing and invited me into a world I hadn't been before, just through sharing laughter and my extra packed of smokey bacon crisps (i used to try buy peoples love with condiments...still hasn't changed), she did and has from now on, taken me into her circles and helped me be the loud, alcoholic nerd I am today.
This continued through secondary school and although in the early years experienced a little bullying problem, (one would be the 1st girl in school to start her period and sprout enormous breasts).... but it all worked out in the end, and by the end of secondary school I had an award (in the yearbook don't tcha know) as the funniest girl in school, honestly, probably my PROUDEST MOMENT!! (even though i am aware no1 actually votes for these things and i did bribe the head boy at the time....)I left secondary school happy, confident, and semi -secure onto a gap year, which ended up just being a big old waste of time....as they almost always are.....
Then came university, and I was immediately swept up into a dizzying world of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, University was when i truly discovered the depths of my party girl nature, clubbing 5 times a week, missing lectures and having hangover lunches way out of my price league.... i wouldn't say i was popular in university by any means but i had no enemy's which was a delightful change from school.... grrrrrrr I'll never forget that fight in the schoolyard with Rachel Whatserface......we just kept kicking eachother....it was weird....
Now i'm living in New York, (what's she complaining about I hear the 2 people who read this mutter) but SERIOUSLY its worse than primary school.... I seem to find myself constantly putting myself out there, pathetically screaming 'LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME SEE WHAT I CAN DO' over a crowd of over confident individuals who actually have real credentials and great chat to back up their 'great & interesting' personalities.... I more often than not retreat to my shared room praying no-one comes in to find me gorging on a pack of dairy milk my mum sent me in a care package...
The truth is i still SO want to be popular but lack that care free attitude i used to exude as a child....now there is too much at stake, how can i embarrass myself when a potential shag might be in the room.... or say the wrong thing which could be seen as racist/sexist/ageist/xenophobic or worse.... unintelligent....
As i see old friends making new friends and my new friends making more friends I wonder.... Does everyone feel the same?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thin People Lie To Me
Ok, So i'm gunna tell you this FIRST... before i write ANYTHING ELSE! As I am on a massive rant!
I am on a diet.... and not just one of those, 'oh i'm just eating healthier and cutting out naughty things darling'... no. The SERIOUS KIND!! The kind which has you looking at the leftovers people have kindly spared at the bottom of the bowl.... the kind that has you having knightmares of a big bread roll running after you into the sunset..... the kind that means you would happily eat a RAW HORSE'S LEG!! (which i dont condone)
In other words,
I'm fucking hungry.
Not just hungry.... but RAVENOUS!! All the time, food has taken over my life, and not in the usual way (whereby i eat everything and anything i want) but in a different way, a way in which I am thinking about what i can't have and how little calories i can survive on.... ALSO have to go to the friggin gym, something I have only done, once or twice in my life, and let me tell you THIS, its HARD! Have new found respect for healthy people, always thought that exercise was something people simply 'did' much like.... knitting or.... making their own bread... turns out.... this exercise malarkey is tough, and not just on your vagina after you've been on a bike for 40 minutes but on your entire body, literally had places hurt i didn't know i had...
Probably spent about 8 minutes on a cross trainer before jumping off in convulsions, with my old sport teachers words running through my head, 'in through your nose, out through your mouth, in through your nose out through your mouth'... (air that is not vomit). Then trundled on over to the rowing machine as a friend of mine swears by it, it seems that everyone else, after a week of starving themselves and finding a 'blardy fantastic sport' loses 5 stone, gets a boyfriend and wins the lottery.... not me my friends... oh no....
After 3 days and i'll admit 1 shamefull gym session i still am in possesion of the most charming beer belly, thunder thighs, and bingo wings.... oh its just DEE-FRIGGIN-LIGHTFUL!
The lighter life.... is not making me lighter, and all i want to do is crawl into bed with a tub of haagen daaz cry into my pillow and wish that i'll wake up with Jake Gyllenhaal beside me and Anne Hathaways face stitched on....
ANYWHO!!! In other news.... nothing terribly exciting, love of life aka work colleague who may actually know now that i love him, is not talking, nor is he sitting, breathing or even throwing things in my direction, apart from the odd barked request.. and guess what VALENTINES DAY is coming... YIPDEFRIGGINLLUYAH!! Can only hope it will be better than last year, whereby i was dumped, AGAIN by the same bugger who left me for a haughty toff with spider legs.... Ah life is indeed the gift that keeps giving. If you can't tell by the way, i'm having a truly SHITEOUS day!
Began with a 6am call from my mother telling me she had discovered my overdraft.... (which had up until now not existed between us) and continues to tell me how angry/distraught/temporarily homicidal she was feeling about it.... so all day i have been literally pissing my pants waiting for the 2nd phone call discovering OH WAIT YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD TOO? WHYYYYYEEEEE?
Continues on to basic work crap, owing money and SEVERE period pain, (sorry to the 2 men who may actually read this) but as my dear friend sven always tells me.... 'only women bleed'.
Have made catastrophic mistake of actually telling friends I am on this diet, which by the way i am doing because my parents have offered me a trip to Miami, and as we all know, women in Miami DO NOT have flabby bestretch marked stomachs, or thighs that look like cottage cheese, so have 6 weeks... 6 WEEKS to become Aphrodite... oh god... its so not gunna happen is it? I may as well GIVE UP NOW... just want.. nigh, NEED to decrease circumference of thighs by merely 5 inches.... IT CAN BE DONE.... well according to my friends in can, who were all a little to happy to hear i was going on a diet, its almost like they all simultaneously did a big ole sigh of relief, in fact EVERYONE has been a little too supportive, one such person actually snatched a peppermint patty out of my hand at 1 point (momentary moment of weakness....inevitable really)
Have taken to going to bed at 11 everynight recently.... I MEAN REALLY? Last night i had a slice of toast & cup of tea and felt SO GUILTY i did 'toe' exercises (least movement possible) for 50 minutes to feel better.... cannot believe i came to new york to stay in everynight and contemplate how poor and fat I am... ah well, its all in aid of getting a boyfriend... winning the lottery... and becoming famous TV personality.
Oh Jesus
I am on a diet.... and not just one of those, 'oh i'm just eating healthier and cutting out naughty things darling'... no. The SERIOUS KIND!! The kind which has you looking at the leftovers people have kindly spared at the bottom of the bowl.... the kind that has you having knightmares of a big bread roll running after you into the sunset..... the kind that means you would happily eat a RAW HORSE'S LEG!! (which i dont condone)
In other words,
I'm fucking hungry.
Not just hungry.... but RAVENOUS!! All the time, food has taken over my life, and not in the usual way (whereby i eat everything and anything i want) but in a different way, a way in which I am thinking about what i can't have and how little calories i can survive on.... ALSO have to go to the friggin gym, something I have only done, once or twice in my life, and let me tell you THIS, its HARD! Have new found respect for healthy people, always thought that exercise was something people simply 'did' much like.... knitting or.... making their own bread... turns out.... this exercise malarkey is tough, and not just on your vagina after you've been on a bike for 40 minutes but on your entire body, literally had places hurt i didn't know i had...
Probably spent about 8 minutes on a cross trainer before jumping off in convulsions, with my old sport teachers words running through my head, 'in through your nose, out through your mouth, in through your nose out through your mouth'... (air that is not vomit). Then trundled on over to the rowing machine as a friend of mine swears by it, it seems that everyone else, after a week of starving themselves and finding a 'blardy fantastic sport' loses 5 stone, gets a boyfriend and wins the lottery.... not me my friends... oh no....
After 3 days and i'll admit 1 shamefull gym session i still am in possesion of the most charming beer belly, thunder thighs, and bingo wings.... oh its just DEE-FRIGGIN-LIGHTFUL!
The lighter life.... is not making me lighter, and all i want to do is crawl into bed with a tub of haagen daaz cry into my pillow and wish that i'll wake up with Jake Gyllenhaal beside me and Anne Hathaways face stitched on....
ANYWHO!!! In other news.... nothing terribly exciting, love of life aka work colleague who may actually know now that i love him, is not talking, nor is he sitting, breathing or even throwing things in my direction, apart from the odd barked request.. and guess what VALENTINES DAY is coming... YIPDEFRIGGINLLUYAH!! Can only hope it will be better than last year, whereby i was dumped, AGAIN by the same bugger who left me for a haughty toff with spider legs.... Ah life is indeed the gift that keeps giving. If you can't tell by the way, i'm having a truly SHITEOUS day!
Began with a 6am call from my mother telling me she had discovered my overdraft.... (which had up until now not existed between us) and continues to tell me how angry/distraught/temporarily homicidal she was feeling about it.... so all day i have been literally pissing my pants waiting for the 2nd phone call discovering OH WAIT YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD TOO? WHYYYYYEEEEE?
Continues on to basic work crap, owing money and SEVERE period pain, (sorry to the 2 men who may actually read this) but as my dear friend sven always tells me.... 'only women bleed'.
Have made catastrophic mistake of actually telling friends I am on this diet, which by the way i am doing because my parents have offered me a trip to Miami, and as we all know, women in Miami DO NOT have flabby bestretch marked stomachs, or thighs that look like cottage cheese, so have 6 weeks... 6 WEEKS to become Aphrodite... oh god... its so not gunna happen is it? I may as well GIVE UP NOW... just want.. nigh, NEED to decrease circumference of thighs by merely 5 inches.... IT CAN BE DONE.... well according to my friends in can, who were all a little to happy to hear i was going on a diet, its almost like they all simultaneously did a big ole sigh of relief, in fact EVERYONE has been a little too supportive, one such person actually snatched a peppermint patty out of my hand at 1 point (momentary moment of weakness....inevitable really)
Have taken to going to bed at 11 everynight recently.... I MEAN REALLY? Last night i had a slice of toast & cup of tea and felt SO GUILTY i did 'toe' exercises (least movement possible) for 50 minutes to feel better.... cannot believe i came to new york to stay in everynight and contemplate how poor and fat I am... ah well, its all in aid of getting a boyfriend... winning the lottery... and becoming famous TV personality.
Oh Jesus
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