Christmas Heaven to Christmas HELL!!

It is a well known fact that there is no such thing as a stress free Christmas... and this year was no exception, however.... nothing could have prepared me for what happened to myself (and 4 other poor defenceless women) this festive season....

It all began when my very good friend 'Kiki' suggested an idyllic Christmas, in a log cabin.... far away from the busyness of the city.... in up-state New York (charming i think you will agree) and it was all going so swimmingly at first!!! I amazingly enough was able to escape work 3 HOURS EARLY (well deserved as have been staying about 4 hours late EACH DAY to get through catastrophic amounts of work far beyond my comprehension... but that's another story.... anywho, the journey upstate began with 5 girls bundling into a small white rental car... who we playfully named 'Stu' .... (although i disagreed with this as we all know.... cars are all girls, much like ships or tanks... or ..... computers) not. sure. why. ANYWHO after a small harmless mistake my friend 'Monica' made we accidentally locked our selves out of the building where all our personal belongings were...  after a very 'I know what you did last summer' manoeuvre (i.e. walking around to the back entrance of the building) through trees/ shrubs/flower beds we unlocked ourselves from scary dark... cleaner only there building and set off!!

The journey although long.... and full of constant questions like.... 'Where are the Hobnobs' .....'When's the next rest stop' 'I need a wee' and the ever faithful.... 'Did anyone bring cash for the toll bridge'.... we entered Northville... and all i can say is that arriving in Northville in the dead of night.... all any of us could think of where images of scary thin old men, whispering the words.... 'But that place burnt down yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears ago'..... As 5 terrified girls entered the shutter door of a dark log cabin... on the edge of a frozen lake (not that we could see it) we stepped into what can only be described as Christmas heaven....

Golden lit wreaths hung above a  REAL log fire... along with twinkling fern trees (not real) a huge kitchen, large soft DOUBLE beds... (which is a warm welcome from the barely single plastic covered beds we were used to).... As we settled in beautifully with a comphy glass of warm red wine.... our weekend of supposed bliss was about to continue...

Now what i can say about the actual time IN the cabin... well.... it was magical... so relaxing.... so tranquil... the first morning i was outside having my usual mug of coffee and morning ciggarette I saw a bushell of squirrels scurrying around the open countryside... with fresh laid tracks of secret animals left behind in the snow... never in my LIFE  had i felt more like Snow White.... I will even admit to you now... i did start to sing.... 'Edelweiss' (dont jusge me too harshly i was taken over by the beauty of it all)

Anywho it was Christmas Eve.... and 'Monica' was determined to make saints of us and take us to a carol service (slight worry at this point... I am descendant from Jews and have never entered a church in my life) but hay ho... off we went to find Jesus (as it was his birthday) and sung silent night by candlelight (hay... THAT RHYMES) Unfortunately by this stage i was a bit pissed due to an entire day of drinking gin and a good few bottles of mulled wine! So most the time i spent laughing at the poor sods in the Northville dramatic society... trying to remember their lines (without much luck) and putting poorly choreographed 'raise your arms to glory' moves in the carols .... oh.... the shame!

However christmas eve went down without a hitch.... and people seemed to enjoy my operatic stylings of Silent Night.... even if it was 2 octaves higher than most people! And hardly anyone got offended... except one poor couple who overheard me 'Phoebe' and 'Kiki' exclaim

Phoebe - Oh look a trumpet!
Kiki - Par rupa pum pum
Me - Upa my bum!

Poor innocent Christians.... i feel bad now!

CHRISTMAS DAY!!
Now what i didn't tell you is that upon arriving home from a lovely carol service 'Mary' discovered that the downstairs bathroom was covered in dirt & grit.... having no idea where this came from we simply swept it aside and forgot all about it..... oh...... what a mistake that was to be....

Upon awaking Christmas morning... we all felt we should look our best and showered... make up'd and did oursleves all pretty like for the festive holiday.... now 5 girls showering along with a dish washer on full go.... and a washing machine tumbling around.... generates ALOT of water/ sewage.... not thinking of the previous nights warning... at about 11 am the bottom floor was flooded..... and the downstairs toilet had backed up all our excrement over the floor.... complete and utter horror.... now much to my eternal shame I did nothing.... zero.... in all honesty i was oblivious and simply chain smoked about 30 cigarettes on the upper balcony whilst my poor friends threw buckets and buckets of dirty water out of the downstairs bathroom into our frozen lake.... after this ordeal everyone needed a stiff drink.... especially me.... what with doing nothing..... so whilst my poor friends washed off everyones shit.... i began to make christmas dinner.....

Now for the next part.... I am not exactly sure HOW this happened.... but upon leaving the kitchen for a sit by the fire and a baileys.... I returned to see the 4 girls crowded around the oven... with faces as white as sheets.... pulling 'Mary' aside i was informed that Kiki... had inadvertently of course locked the oven.... and could not open it.... now having already called the owner of the cabin round due to the 'sewage situation' we found it highly difficult to pull the poor man away from his loving family again to open an oven..... nevertheless.... we did

And he did not know how to open the oven

And his son did not know how to open the oven

At this point i was becoming increasingly worried about my beloved Turkey which i had personally rubbed and bathed and stuffed (as queen Nigella had specified) and after we had sent these poor men back to their mothers wives and daughters.... we all sat down (well some of us hid in the basement) and had a stiff drink of Gin.... we pondered..... and we shook the hinges of the oven door..... and we screamed at the oven door..... and then i screamed some more as Kiki began to tell me that the oven was actually on the clean cycle....

which goes up to 900 degrees

which turns everything to ash

and your even supposed to take the shelves out as they MELT FROM THE HEAT!!!

In a all consuming panic i yelled..... 'MY TURKEY!!!!!!'

And after a painstaking wait after turning the bloody thing off from the mains.... 20 minutes and 2 gin & tonics later.... the oven just popped right open.... revealing an actually deliciously cooked turkey!!!

So all in all had a fantastic feast .... i even made bread sauce (not from a packet) AND home-made cranberry sauce (just call me Delia!) ..... however ..... twas not the last of the tail..... oh no ...... much MUCH worse was to come....

BIGGEST SPOT IN THE WORLD

It is always the case that when something important is coming up.... or just ANY TIME AT ALL you get a spot.... but MY SPOT is the biggest i have EVER SEEN!!!

It is currently taking up half of my chin, and i find it ridiculous that at 23 i still get spots.... i mean not as many as when i was 16... but whenever i ride the crimson wave UP THEY COME its like they are saying.... how can i make your day worse oh yeah I'LL PUT A GROWTH FULL OF PUSS ON YOUR FACE!

Evil.... evil is what it is!

LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY

 And to make things worse....

GUESS WHO WALKED INTO MY OFFICE TODAY!!

The one the only queen of drama and patron saint of sexy..... SUSAN SARRANDON

I have NEVER been more star struck.... couldn't even continue with my day (which consists of answering phones) not difficult!! And there's me spotty McGee... not sexy.... also DID NOT think about my outfit enough.... i look fat... as Gok Wan always said.... don't wear horizontal stripes they shorten you!

mmmmmmm gunna be singing toucha toucha toucha touch me all day now.... am i right in thinking Susie S was in Rocky Horror show right? RIGHT?

Golly gosh hope she was.... otherwise i reallllly embarressed my self earlier!

Tonight.... for all the New Yorkers out there is THE ROCKEFELLER CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING!!

And i am going.... with my $2 to hopefully find some hot apple cider.... and see celebrities.... MORE CELEBRITIES!!

New York truly is home of celebrities before coming here the only person i had ever seen was Vanessa Feltz.... after i had just got rejected from Royal College of Music.... truly perked me up!

Thanksgiving et al.

To those who do not know what the RUDDY HELL Thanksgiving is.... ALLOW ME TO ENLIGHTEN YOU!!

Thanksgiving to me.... meant 4 days off work!! So you can't really get better than that.... but other than that this day means many things to many people (namely Americans)

Thanksgiving is also - Turkey day.... a day to eat Turkey (but don't fear 2 turkey's are pardoned each year by the Obama King himself at the Whitehouse) SO THEY DON'T ALL CLUCK THEIR LAST BREATH!

Thanksgiving is also about.... being THANKFUL in actual fact whilst you eat your poor defenseless dead bird you are supposed to go around the table and have a supreme kodak moment with strangers/family & friends!

I spent my thanksgiving with about 15 strangers (all of which were couples GAG) and 1 friend... and due to the fact only had 1 friend there I was simply too shy to go back for 3rds... WHICH I SO WANTED as at the moment cannot afford food.... so am probably the only person in America to loose weight over this FEASTACIOUS holiday

HOWEVER what i did have was about 12 cans of four loco & 2 litres of Vodka.... you know the rest

After my four loco haze i decided... i was horny.... but instead of actually approaching any men, i would simply go up to people I BARELY KNEW tell them i fancied their male friends and hope they would steer them in my direction... in all words... I DIDNT GET ANY!!

However the one & only SCHWABBY i.e hunky bearded chubby goodness i so love & bat my eyelashes at BEST FRIEND now knows i like him & has PROMISED to get us together by christmas... if all else fails will simply get him drunk on Kahlua at the Christmas party & rape his face .... jeez if he EVER reads this blog i will never live it down!

But yeah.... THANKSGIVING

Overall i give a big thumbs up to this AUDACIOUS ....STUPENDOUS..... BOUNTIFUL FEAST of a Holiday! And will definitely be taking it back with me to the UK baybay!

Hope you all had a delicious Thanksgiving!

All KINDS of Bad Stuff...

So....

WHERE TO BEGIN?

1 - I was NOT asked to be in the photoshoot.... even though EVERYOTHER FEMALE IN THE OFFICE WAS! (bad bad inferiority complex emerging)

2 - Made COLOSSAL mistake and checked Facebook to find that BOTH ex's are happily engaged in long term relationships.... one with the girl he cheated on me with..... (Further added to feeling shite)

3 - Was 'seduced my messaging medium' and spoke a little 'too freely' to said crush at work.... (ended in awkward looks as if to say 'I don't get where the hell this is coming from and am a little scared of you now')

4 - Drank with the 'boys' in work (although not welcomed just pushed my way through) to the 'thanksgiving punch' people were enjoying.... i just knocked the bloody stuff back.... then returned home after work pissed out of my mind at 7 pm and went straight to sleep missing out on what my friends were to describe as 'a great Friday night out'

The week was also chocabloc with bad news from Home, wasting money on dresses i'll never wear and getting through the entire 4 seasons of Mad Men in 1 week.... I AM TERRIFIED

I am TERRIFIED that i am becoming my worst nightmare!!! It has gotten to the point whereby i would rather stay in and watch TV shows than go out and party... this is ILLEGAL at my age... 22 twentyfriggintwo..... and i'm in bed usually by 10.30.... the time my GRANDMA.... YES GRANDMA goes to bed!! Dispicable! I feel like I am slowly disapearing into Oblivion and soon people will say....

Whatever happened to that girl..... oh ya know the one..... ummmm.... medium height..... red hair...... chubby...... was really loud.......

Oh i'll tell you what happened....

SHE DIED OF INSIGNIFICANCE!!

Ummmmmm maybe getting ever so slightly overdramatic.... and i'm afraid this is one of those posts with no real meaning.... OH EXCEPT

2 Words

Four Loco...

Four Loco is a drink now BANNED in the USA!! And guess what, due to that fact, a 'friend' lets call him.... ' Diablo' suggested we go to the cash & carry & buy 60 cans of the stuff so that we can experience the delights of this insane carnage inducing drink.... as i have yet to truly sample this palpatation inducing beverage i''l leave you with this...

Stay Tuned!

Unwise Move

So tomorrow there is a PHOTO SHOOT at work, and being the insanely self obsessed person i am i cannot hope... WISH that some director man will rush up to me and utter the words...

'darling,,, those cheekbones.....that coloring..... IT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED FOR OUR NEW CAMPAIGN'

Now i realise it is HIGHLY unlikely, especially seeing as i am a rumpus size 16 with Jowells instead of some supreme cheesy gap ad model who smiles too much... but YA NEVER KNOW!? So after work i decided that my face needed to be reinvented and so headed to Sephora, to blast my last $100 (which was suppose to last me the rest of week, but as i am converting to model behaviour is probably best i cannot buy food) so in Sephora i went, and was sure that the best, and most supreme way of buying the most affordable & functional items was to ask a sales assistant... now i used to BE one so i really should have known better as this... was a BIG mistake...

Phrases such as;

'Someone with as many flaws as you'
&
'To disguise your double chin'

Kept coming up so i immediately felt unattractive and fat and the entire train trip home, I was trying to hide under my scarf as i was afraid my face was deteriorating due to sun damage.... seemingly by not using a foundation with SPF i have ruined my skin.... FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...

So I am now sat at home, pretentiously studying my pores looking for 'sun spots' which i needed to buy a $40 cream for to begin to help 'recycle what's left of renewable skin cells'... Since WHEN did MAKE UP ASSISTANTS become DOCTORS WITH PHD'S? Who know words such as....

Malignant

&
Peptapeptydes (i am SURE this is made up)

And on top of this i felt so down could not face the horror that is the gym, as half the people on my bloody course go there, and are the kind of people who have.... stomach muscles... and can walk up a flight of stairs without getting huffy puffy... so instead i stayed in watched desperate housewives and ate 2 bowls of pasta, which is especially bad as diet was supposed to start today and the gyn cost me $80 and i still haven't been....ONCE... i also had about onehundredgazillion peanut M&M's as pesky new runner aka Tyra banks kept coming over with bowls full of them whilst showing off her bambi thighs....

Honestly the day has just been HORRIFIC for self esteem... even a homeless man the other night whilst i walked home drunk, offering him my pizza said,

'cor love you look rough'

Dark day... very dark day...

 But am sure tomorrow will be fantastic and will be discovered as the next Sophie Dahl circa 1991!

I really should go & clean the bathroom.... it is starting to grow mould, and no-one will shower in there except me until i have cleaned it.... have promised to clean it for weeks, and housemates are starting to get annoyed... I can tell by frowns and grimaces every time they walk past said bathroom..... ugh..... DONT WANT TO CLEAN HORRID BATHROOM! I think i will go have a nice cigarette and calm down.... can't clean when i'm all stressed like this...

Happy Monday everyone!

Sexual Politicai....

I am not sure, if when you fancy someone... they can pick up on it, i can NEVER pick up on if someone fancies me... mainly because people rarely do due the my god damn rhino thighs! HOWEVER when I fancy someone whenever they are close... my heart goes a flutter.... i get all tingly.... smile all the time at them and then run & hide whenever they do dain to talk to me... oh. and I BLUSH!!

Now unfortunately I have completely  given up on the idea of 

1 - Meeting anyone at work (they are all far too good looking)

Or

2 - Meeting an American .... this has come as a BIG disappointment, but the only ones who even seem interested are either cross eyed... or ... dull!

But anywho i'm going off the subject! YES! Sexual Politics... my interpretation of this is of course the awkwardness which comes from being in close proximity to someone of the opposite sex... i am sure this is wrong but recently i have been having some AWKWARD experiences!

Ok...so 1! I went on a little trip to Boston... it was DEElightful by the way! But there was... a MAN! YES i hear you gasp, and i just felt a little.... warm towards him if ya get my drift, now the sexual politics comes into play when, men who have girlfriends flirt... WHY DO THEY DO THIS? Its like false advertising, but then if they do actually take it further, its FRAUD! And as we all know... you can go to jail for fraud... Now I would never hurt a fellow sister by doing ANYTHING with her man... but in this case i was tempted... so what is the right answer, do you just ignore the possibilities/ tell him off for being a bad boy or just go for it & think about the ramifications later...

This problem is not really a problem as i'll tell you what i did... NOTHING! As per usual i took the cowards way out and gave up after a long lustful look... typical! There were moments however when i wanted to scream, IN THE NAME OF GOD AND ALL HIS CHERUBIN MOUNT ME!

At this moment i really should be working... or at least doing my project for class... but i'm not... i'm writing my blog,

I did SUCH  an exciting thing at work today... A VOICEOVER!! For a real live commercial! I have never felt so honored, except that i messed it up, i was so nervous about being in front of so many Americans i decided to throw my entire self/accent and entire British history to the wind, and started doing some strange yankee slang, the whole point of them asking me was because i had a British accent... so i doubt they'll ask me again! Bugger! OH THE MONEY I COULD HAVE MADE!!

I do know a way however to overcome sexual politics, just stick with the gays!

Being the New Girl

Having been the new girl for almost 2 months now... i THINK i am transitioning into a genuine person here, proof of this is demonstrated by my actual name coming up every now & again, and actually being invited out with other colleagues, rarely, but ATLEAST ITS HAPPENING!  However, no sooner have i become truly transitioned into working life, than a new girl... has irrecoverably popped up!

This has made me question my whole new girl experience, as i thought that EVERYONE was phased & ignored here in their 1st few months... but OH NO, not so my friends! Whilst I was being pushed aside, ignored at lunch times & phased, with 'questionable' pranks, THIS new girl... who looks more like Tyra Banks than me... Tyra.... the....ELEPHANT! Has been showered with attention, with what they have playfully named, 'grillings', oh.... how fun....

In my darkest of hours i have found my self looking at this girl... WHO IS LOVELY BY THE WAY and wishing under my breath....' gain 20 lbs.... gain 20lbs.... HAVE SOME PEANUT M&M'S I say... frequently! As by god, they've done me no favors!

I still remember my first day... it was horrible, the whole staff were so distraught at losing the previous girl they kept looking at me like i was the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! One of the guys even had the AUDACITY to come up to me and say....'you....you'll never replace her' ... no idea if i'm repeating myself here, but TRUE STORY! But no matter where you work, being new is NEVER easy, i found myself crying in the toilets for the 1st time since secondary school here, due to dreaded... duh...duh....duuuuuuuuh PETTY CASH!!

Two words, I have found can instantly restore my faith, especially when I feel like the fat, smelly receptionist... those words are,,,, as you wait with baited breath...

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

Having become a recent mad men fan, i know that there is OH SO MUCH POWER in a big beautiful ass!!

To demonstrate... here's a picture;

ISN'T SHE THE BEST?

So whenever you find yourself feeling like your tum tum is too big, or ass to voluptuous... say to yourself.... 'Christina Hendricks.....Christina Hendricks....'