When it's your best friends Birthday

Some of us have 1 best friend, some of us have many, some of us have... none. But let's not focus on that right now. When it's your best friends Birthday there is a lot of pressure to... write the best facebook post, give them the best present, sing happy birthday the loudest, do the most shots with them, stay out the latest and fend all of their other best friends off with a stick shouting... 'SHE IS MINE', just like Gaston did in Beauty & the Beast... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Here are the stages of getting older with yo bezzie;

1. You both grapple for the attention, no matter who's birthday it is

2. You will try to get each other as drunk as possible



3. Only 1 of you will win



4. Whoever is younger, will remind the other, incessantly



5. You experience palpitations about giving her your well thought out gift, because you know you're in for a world of pain if she don't like it



6. You will ruin all of her selfies



7. If anyone throws shade at her you will jump on them like a freight train



8. You do anything she asks of you, even if it means making out with a melon



9. At the end of the night, you will be the one holding her hair back



10. You continue to be the best friends ever

When boys go 'poof'

Since moving to London one of my main aims (apart from living fabulously and power dressing) was to date the HELL out of London. In doing so I can only say I have opened myself up to a world of hyper-ventilating, soul destroying back and forths that have left me in both pits of despair and moments of complete elation.

Having deconstructed the behavior of numerous beau's from POF & tinder along with my most trusted girlfriends there's a pattern we've all noticed, I call it the 'poof' effect. This is where you think everything is going great, you've gone on a few dates, had a few laughs, enjoyed each others beautifully crafted bodies and then...silence. The stages of this universally acknowledged love dance can be explained in the following stages.

The meet cute

I make it a rule never to send the first message as I'm of the age old belief I should be chased like a pony around a newly flourished field. So it's a rare occasion that I get a well crafted genuine message from a guy on some dating site. You start talking and SNAP you're hooked.And you are so damn excited you could give birth to a brood of puppies...

The first date

It goes great, you can feel the wilderness years start to melt away in the belief that, THIS IS HAPPENING, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! You tell all your friends about it, deconstruct every detail and just keep re-living that glorious first kiss that made you tingle all the way to your toes.

You hold back

As women we know we can't do the chasing, it's just not what our mothers taught us, so we wait. Anxiously looking at our phones waiting on the "I had a great time when can we meet up again" text that will inevitably come because you had a great time and there's no possible way he didn't too... right?

Let the good times roll

Romance, adoration, butterfly's, the stars seem brighter, food tastes sweeter, because GURL GOTTA DATE! This is when you're truly enjoying yourself, date 2, 3 maybe even 4. Sharing everything with each other, making plans and coming up with exciting dates you can sink your teeth into. You feel like it'll never end...

You do the nasty

There comes the inevitable moment that you want to enjoy that body, take him to bed and make him leave his manners at the door, there are many different theories on how long to hold out on this for... I've never been one to deny myself much so it happens when I want it to happen, no sooner, no later.

Then...

After a post coital cuddle and a few funny phrases back and forth you notice the texts are becoming a bit less frequent, but maybe he's just getting comfortable and feels he doesn't have to text you much... maybe...

Where's my text

After a day or so of waiting you're tearing your hair out waiting for this guy to text you, during this time you'll have a medley of thoughts run through your mind, turning you from a fully functioning member of society into a mad banshee who is consumed by the capability of a working mobile phone ...

"Maybe he's sick and can't get to the phone"

"Maybe his thumbs have fallen off making him incapable of texting me"

"He's gotten back with his ex and is done with me"

"He didn't like my hairy toes and thinks I'm a freakish hobbit lady"

"He lost his phone and forgot my name after getting into a fight defending my honour"

"He's dead, hit by a bus"

If I'm honest it's best to go with the theory he died, you desperately want to bombard him with texts or god even CALL him just to see if he's alive but...



And Mindy is never wrong...

You then go through the 5 stages of grief;

1. Denial

He'll text me eventually, of course he will, there's no reason for him not to, we had a great time, he's probably just busy - you say as your eyes burn a whole in your home screen, WILLING it to burst into a flurry of "sorry babe, haven't spoken in ages, when can i take you for a drink again"...

2. Anger

SCREW THAT MOTHER FLIPPIN NEEDLE DICK I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT IN MY LIFE BEING SINGLE IS SO MUCH EASIER ANYWAY

3. Bargaining

Okay maybe if I go to sleep on my left side like I did after our first date he'll text me...

4. Depression

I will never find love again

5. Acceptance

Pour yourself a drink, put your lipstick on and pull yourself together.You're never gunna hear from this guy again, and you'll never know why and its awful but you move on. In the words of tinder...

A lazy girls life hacks

In my 26 years I have managed to acquire some key life hacks that make the day a little shorter, life a little brighter and my purse a little lighter. Because sometimes, you need a little magic in your life to take the pain of everyday annoyances (like brushing your teeth) away.

Without further ado here a few quick fixes to some everyday irritations;

1. The quick fire roast dinner



So, you've promised your mum/siblings and extended family members a delicious meal on Sunday, because you need to butter them up after a particularly horrifying family gathering you embarrassed them all at. No problem right? No really, it's NO problem at all, because all you have to do is hot foot it down to the Supermarket, pick up a £5 rotisserie chicken, some Aunt Bessie's ready made roast potatoes and parsnips & some frozen peas... you're looking at a total of £8 and around 4 minutes preparation time (literally remove wrapping and place in oven) YOU'RE WELCOME GREAT BRITAIN!

2. Rapid hair hack



It's Wednesday, you can't be bothered to shower because..urgh, showering right?! Well don't worry because your greasy mop can quickly be turned into a beautiful mane of loveliness with just two things. Dry shampoo & Kirby grips. After a good spray, (and I mean a good heavy spray) and brush out, twirl your front bits (ya little curtain) into makeshift braid and pin just above your ears, you'll look adorable, no worries!

3.Stinky jean fix



Jeans humming? No time to wash them? No worries just shove them in the freezer for half an hour! N.B do not place them next to your ice tray...

4. I want everyone to hear ma new jam



You're in the park/living room/garden and you want everyone else to appreciate Beyonce's newest #1, easy, get a glass, put your phone in it, BOBS YOUR UNCLE FANNY'S YOUR AUNT you've got some home made speakers...

5. My wine is warm



...and I DON'T want to water it down with ice. No problem man, just put some grapes in the freezer and pop them into your wine glass once crispy & cold. You're welcome.

6. My face won't stop being all greasy



It's okay, just ask your friend who smokes for a rizla & dab it all over your greasy face. Those things absorb grease like its nobodies business. They're 20p a packet so well worth an investment. Available at all local convenience stores.

7. My phones about to DIE!!!


Just put it on airplane mode you crazy technology addict.

8. How do I create that cool ripped jean look?



Get yo self a cheese grater, and go WILD on those things! (Really great if you've just been dumped, pretend those jeans are his stupid, fugly face).

9. My trousers are too long



If you're not gifted with a needle, roll up the bottom of the legs so the outside of the fabric faces inside the hem and keep in place with some Kirby (hair) grips.

10. We've run out of plates



You know that white polystyrene thing that comes underneath the pizzas, which you may have accidentally cooked one time? YEAH! Well, once your pizzas are cooked just place right back on them, slice & dice and you've got yourself a big old plate ready to go, which you don't have to wash up afterwards.

11. Microwave for two

 

Think you can't fit two bowls in the microwave? Think again. All you need is a mug, balance one bowl on top of the mug with the other bowl by the side and you've got something beautiful coming your way.

12. Quick snack



All you need for this is a tub of Ben & Jerry's and a packet of giant cookies. Slice the tub B&J's with a bread knife and place each slice in between two cookies. You my friend have just enjoyed an ice cream sandwich.

13. Choosing an outfit in the morning



I have nothing to wear!!! I hear you scream whilst you throw all your clothes everywhere at 8a.m DON'T WORRY! Somewhere in there is the outfit of your dreams you just don't know how to style it yet. Go to pinterest, type in your specified outfit, i.e cute work outfit / cute date outfit / cute FREAKIN outfit and you'll find out how to turn a black t-shirt, culottes and dockers shoes into the look of a fashion bloggers dreams.

14. Fresh sheets



Someone kinda sexy is coming over, BUT YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASH YOUR SHEETS! Breathe. Get some talcum powder and liberally apply over your bedding. Top tip: get a classy brand of talc for extra classiness, I personally love Lush's dusting powders.

15. How to correctly open a banana



Prepare for your mind to be blown. You've been doing it wrong all these years...

If you've got a life hack you wanna share tweet me @sophiawho and we can totally be twitter buddies! Yay!

My Issues with Summer

It's so damn hot, and London is like a big glass dome magnifying the heat and frying us all like ants... I'll be honest and tell you I've always had issues with Summer, the long months in between school used to torture me as I sat by my window longing for something to do or the phone to ring, nowadays it's not much different, except I don't get a glorious 3 months off work... WHY of WHYEEEEE didn't I become a teacher?!?

I thought I'd break my issues out into a nice digestible list... complete with titles and gifs, because why not!

Boob jail

Now I'm not talking bra's in the general sense, but something that happens when I get particularly hot and am wearing a grey top, I'm talking boob SWEAT patches, right underneath those suckers so it looks like I've just gone torso first into a rectangle play pool... so gross, god damn you Summer!

Thigh burn

Now, anyone below a size 14 will probably have no concept of what I'm talking about, but I'm sure all the curvy ladies out there are humming a resounding AMEN SISTER! There are only 2 options for me in the summer when I want to go bare legged; skin colored tights or lashings of Vaseline, neither are ideal when you're paddling in the sea,,,especially the tights option.

Activities

Glastonbury, Wimbledon, T in the Park, Weddings, Bachelorettes, Holidays, City Breaks, BIRTHDAYS, Lovebox, Wireless... I could go on... Not an invitation to one, plus.. WHO CAN AFFORD THESE THINGS?!?

Swimsuits

I want to wear a bikini... but I know I probably shouldn't... Plus doing the stride of pride down the beach always ends up with some kind of body part being unwillingly exposed...

Summer workwear

No matter how many 'cute summer outfits' I look at on Pinterest, they all manage to look terrible on me, where is my oversized winter coat when I need it?!

Salads

I just want to eat soup and bread. Full stop.

Jumper withdrawal

My jumper collection is extensive and adorable and unwearable during the summer months... Fall can't come fast enough

But then I remember... Summer doesn't last forever